I don't know why I get so insecure. I need to ask him if he ever feels this way about me. He says that he has low self esteem, but I think that I have it more than him.
I see Eric trying so much harder than me and that really bugs me because that makes me feel as if I don't deserve him even more. He told me that he's trying not to keep anything from me because that's what happened with his last girlfriend and he ended up hating her so much. The fact is that even though Eric is trying, I don't feel as if I'm trying hard enough or giving him the same kind of effort that he is. I'm still me. I'm still writing out all of my thoughts, all my problems here on diaryland. I just can't ever seem to say them out loud. I don't know why it's so hard for me to tell him so many of these dark feelings.
I guess if I told him that thought I had today, this morning, it would get him scared... and maybe it would get him annoyed... and then maybe it would make him not want to be with me anymore because he would know that it will happen more than once and that scares me. I don't want to tell him something like I don't want to be with him even though I actually do. Why do these negative thoughts go into my head in the first place anyway? I don't understand. Why can't I just feel secure and happy with what I have? Am I to always be plagued by this negativity?
I just can't seem to control my thoughts though. I mean, when I think that I should end this between Eric and I, I don't snap out of it... I just know it's not what I really want, but I can't really feel that... I just feel so numb. I don't know why this happens. Am I going to be this way for the rest of my life? Would I wake up one day and want to divorce my husband for absolutely no reason at all? What the fuck is that? The fact is though that these kind of thoughts come to my head all the time and I always have to fight it off. I have to keep reminding myself how much I want to be with Eric and that in some way I do deserve him... because if I don't... if I didn't, I would completely fall apart and admit defeat... and I would sink to a level where I really do believe that I don't deserve Eric... but I need to believe that I do deserve him, because if I didn't, that would just put me in misery.
I guess I have to fight these negative thoughts and questions my whole life. I don't want to put Eric into panic... but what if one day I can't fight it off? What if I'm so confused that I really do believe I shouldn't be with Eric anymore. See... even thinking about this right now, it makes me feel that I don't deserve him because Eric deserves someone that will want to be with him all the time and love him all the time... someone whose feelings will stay consistant... not me.