For some reason, just some seconds ago I thought to myself that I should end what's going on between Eric and I because I thought that Eric doesn't understand me. I thought that Eric doesn't appreciate me. Why do I constantly have these thoughts? Just yesterday I thought he was the greatest guy in the world and now all of a sudden I think he doesn't appreciate me? What the fuck is wrong with me? And I thought that maybe I should break up with him? Why? Why? Why am I such a freak like this? Why do I have these inconsistant feelings? It really pisses me off because I keep getting scared that I will do something I will regret, like one day I'll wake up and think I don't love Eric; I don't care for him and I'm going to end things between us only to regret it a minute later... and when I do regret it and go crying, asking him back... What if he says he'll take me back and then I'm in one of my moods again and want to break up a minute later? Is that how it'll always be?

God, I piss myself off thinking about all these stupid crazy things. When Will I let myself be? Will I ever let myself rest? All I keep doing is making myself worse. I fucking hate myself. I seriously wonder if this is how I'll be in all my relationships. I truly believe that if I don't see someone for a long enough time, I could convince myself that I absolutely hate them with all my heart and want to beat the crap out of them. Is that normal? What is normal anyway? Why do I put myself in these kinds of positions? I mean, it's not like this is the first time I've done this to myself. If you've paid any attention to any of my entries these past few weeks, you'd know that my feelings are constantly changing. One second it seems like I'm in love with Eric the next second it seems like I could truly care less who the fuck he is. Is this normal or do I have some kind of problem? I wish someone could answer that...

And somehow when I'm in one of these moods everything that he does just seems to piss me off. Like, what I would generally find cute, I just find fucking annoying and I kinda want to punch him. Why is it like that? Like right now, I don't know why but I started feeling resentment towards Eric and then he said that he lost his homework, which normally I would find cute, but right now I thought "what a fucking idiot... figures... he always loses his crap". What does this say about me? Am I this fucking horrible person? Will I always be like this? When I'm married, would I have days where I wake up wanting to divorce my husband because he can't find his briefcase to take to work?

I really worry about myself and things like this because I wonder what kind of relationship I will be having in the future. I don't want to have to deal with this my entire life. That's gonna be such a bitch. I seriously don't think this is normal. I hate myself, I really do. I wish I could control my feelings better, but I can't and I'm such a horrible mess because of it. When will I learn?

I'm so fucking unstable. I never realized this before but it's really become a problem now. I don't think it was this bad before, but it just seems to get increasingly worse. I don't think I can be with anyone that's even remotely attractive because when girls are around him or if he hangs out with a girl, I get totally jealous. I'm always attracted to the wrong person. Always. Sometimes I feel like that even with Eric. He's not right for me, is he? Sometimes I think he is, but then I don't. Sometimes I think he's my other half and then other times I think he couldn't be more different from me. Do I have schizophrenia? Sometimes, I swear that I do. I have two hearts and both want the opposite thing... it's just a matter of which one turns on, which one gets the say. Sometimes I don't even know which one's really my heart anymore. Do I really want Eric or is that the wrong part of my heart talking? What kind of fucked up person am I then? I wish this would stop. I just want to cry thinking about it. At least if I weren't with Eric, I wouldn't have to worry about making dumb choices, but if I wasn't now, I would be kicking myself for letting Eric go. Is this the kind of life I'll be living when I'm married? It seems like it.

Man, I totally went off topic because what I actually wanted to talk about was the fact that this Christmas totally sucked. I was totally NOT in the Christmas mood this year which really depresses me. I've always loved Christmas. I mean, my family never really celebrated it, but just knowing Christmas is coming... I would just get happy for no reason. I would smile just soley because it was Christmas. It's December, you're supposed to be happy because it's just that month, but this year, I wasn't like that at all. I guess part of the reason is because Eric said that December is like any other month and that got me thinking that that was true... that maybe Christmas was no big deal... but now Christmas has gone and past and I've felt nothing. It's true, I understand that December really is just another month and in a way Eric got me to stop conforming with everyone else but the truth of the matter is, I only started to conform to what Eric said. I'm tired of conforming to please people. I like Christmas and I'll like it because it's one of the few times where I forget everything and get happy and I'm really sorry that it took my missing the Christmas spirit this year for me to learn that, and now I'll have to wait for next year, which is so far away but next year, I will not be like this, I will be happy and maybe it seems like I'm conforming, but I'm not because I'll enjoy Christmas because I want to and nothing you say will change that, not even what Eric says. I'm tired of conforming to Eric's beliefs just because I want us to be more similar. The truth is that no matter what, there will always be differences and if we really were completely the same, then something is obviously fucked up.

Now, in a day, it will be New Year's and it looks like I'm going to start off crappily. It doesn't matter. For some reason, even though it's New Year's, it doesn't mean shit to me. It should not take New Year's to get me to change and I won't change for it. Change should come within or because it's the right time not because it's a new year.

I wanted a unique guy, and now I've got Eric. He's such a nonconformist that I hate it. He doesn't want to go to prom and it didn't bother me before, but now it is starting to. I don't want him to go just to please me though so I don't know what's going to happen there. He doesn't care about Christmas. He skates all day and hardly does his homework. Most of the teachers hate him and he's lazy. What am I doing? I'm so worried about myself. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's not like I'm perfect. I don't know why I'm even criticizing him. *Sigh* I think I'm just talking out of my ass because in the end, I only know one thing and only this one thing matters: I love him.