Eric had a bad day today earlier and that got me depressed. I worry that one day we'll both bring ourselves down. I know how I get when he's depressed and I think it's the same for him. He's so easily driven by his emotions. He's so much like me. I try to reason with him positively but he never really listens. I guess I can understand that, but nobody's ever even tried to reason with me positively. I just wish he'd be a little more open minded. Is that a lot to ask for? I guess it could be when you're that angry. I'm afraid that maybe our similarities in this case isn't a good thing. I worry about this kinda stuff all the time. For the most part right now, things are pretty balanced between us. I think though that Eric is a lot more expressive of his feelings. I have it as much as he does, but I'm not so vocal. I worry that if he stops becoming vocal, things between us would become bad. I worry about this too much, don't I? I worry about so many things. I know I should stop, but it's hard... it really is. I mean, Eric tells me all the time that he misses me and when he does, that makes me want to see him. But if he didn't say anything, I guess I just wouldn't be driven to that same passion. I'm just worried that one day he'll stop saying he misses me.
I had a small discussion about this with Rick. Thank you so much Rick. Right now, he's really the only one I could talk to about this because he knows my situation. He understands me so well and he listens and gives advice at the right time. He thinks that I should ask myself if this is what I really want. At first I said I did, but then I thought for a second that maybe it's not. How am I supposed to know? Sometimes I still wake up wondering what the big deal is about having a boyfriend. Seriously, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. Do you see what it's doing to me right now? You must think I'm a completely irrational person. This is what love drives a person up to. I just worry about everything when I'm not with him.
Anyway, I said I was gonna talk about Asil yesterday. God, that's such a long story, but I will try to tell it anyway. Her real name is Lisa, Asil is her name backwards. I call her that to tease her. Anyway, I've known Asil for awhile. I've never really spoken to her in person, but I started speaking to her last year, then I stopped for awhile, but recently, I've started talking to her again. I knew that she had a crush on Eric. She told me that she had gotten over him, but I was really skeptical. And unfortunately, on Sunday, I found out that I was right. Eric was talking to Melinda P., the same Melinda that was giving Eric rides (but not anymore because I'm giving Eric rides again), and she happens to be Asil's best friend or at least one of. Melinda asked Eric who he would pick a date with, me or Asil? I don't know the full details, but to as much a degree as possible, Eric told the truth and it hurt Lisa a lot. I don't know the full details of it because I didn't talk to her about this. How could I? I'm the other girl. I mean, we're not best friends so we haven't exactly made a pact not to fight over guys or whatever, but I have to be neutral to her.
lob0tomy: lisa knows now she said her chest hurts and I asked why and she said because it contains the heart
lob0tomy: man
darkangelz5: Oh she knows about us?
lob0tomy: I guess so
darkangelz5: I hope she doesn't hate me
lob0tomy: what should I say, to make her feel better
lob0tomy: she won't
darkangelz5: Oh I know. Tell her you're an asshole and that she deserves better. Yeah tell her about how much of an asshole you would be if you got with her
lob0tomy: I've tried that before and they say "but I want you"
darkangelz5: Tell her to talk to Allie
darkangelz5: hahaha
lob0tomy: omfg
lob0tomy: LOL
lob0tomy: dude that would totally work
lob0tomy: I fucked up a lot with her
lob0tomy: a lot
darkangelz5: Man you know when you told me how much you fucked up that day, I totally got scared,
I can only imagine her version
lob0tomy: yeah dude. man, it was bad. I want to talk to her sometimes to ask her about how bad I really was
darkangelz5: LOL
lob0tomy: lol, oh well
lob0tomy: I'm working hard to not be so stupid anymore
lob0tomy: I never want to be how I was before.
For some reason, all these problems seem so silly. I really can't wait till high school is over because then I think that I will get to see Eric as much as I would want to... I guess the whole concept of high school... I guess the thing is that as long as we're in high school, we have to deal with these kind of problems. I never thought that I would find myself in this kind of situation, but I swear that I'm so sick of high school. Last year, I was sick too and I was tired of the fake people, but I had gotten used to that. I found some nice people that I can be happy with. Now, I just don't want to deal with anyone. *Sigh* I just don't know.