DAMN. I'VE GOT A LOT OF SHIT TO TALK ABOUT...

Okay... let's start from this morning. I don't have a clock in my room (don't ask why), or a calendar for that matter (don't ask why), so I've always counted on my watch. When I looked at the time today, it was 6:10 AM. I thought it was normal, though rather early cause I usually don't wake up until 6:30. A few minutes later my dad comes into the room and he says "are you going to school today?" and I said "yes... I'm going, but I'm not sure about my brother, he could not go I guess"... so I go back to sleep, wondering why he woke up so early. Then I get up again and I hear my brother's favorite TV show on - "Dragon Tales". I knew immediately that it was 8am, but I was hoping I was wrong. I looked at my watch and it said 6:10 and I was like... wasn't that the time I saw earlier? So I figure it's probably 8am because I heard the Dragon Tales theme song playing, I know this because my brother used to watch the show all the time this school year. He goes to school at 8:15, so on Wednesdays (late days) we would get sent to school in one trip and he was always watching that show and I was very annoyed with it... anyway, I was hoping maybe it was playing on some other TV channel because they show it on other channels on other times... but then I went into the kitchen... and BLAGAD (hahah funny word)! Its 8:05 and the first thing I think: WHAT IN THE FUCKIN SHIT..? Then I see my dad lying there on the bed and I ask him, "I thought you were gonna wake me up?" and he's like I though you weren't going to school!!! GRRR... so I brush my teeth while thinking about how my watch stopped, probably cause it ran out of batteries, and then have my dad send me to school. So then I get there and I take the test. Afterwards I get my score and I get annoyed because I could've gotten about 6 more questions right if I had a chance to look over the text book right before the test. I mixed up a few vocab words, and I always study the highlighted words before a test. I wound up with a 53 in the end. I'm feeling real shitty about it, but then I figure oh well... it's summer school, I don't really give a shit, I just don't want to screw up on the real thing.

But then I felt better after all that food Mr. Allen got for us... I ate 3 sandwiches and 3 slices of pie... holy shit they were the best food I've ever eaten! Well... maybe that's exaggerated... well... it was the best dessert I've ever eaten! Man... it was awesome... what I would've given for another one of those... I come home and Nancy came over... we watched passions (pretty boring episode) then Nancy suggested going to the swap meet to get batteries. So I was like okay... sure, why not? So then on the way, we sent off some mail and then we get there and I see a sign that say "ear piercing" and a thought popped in my head. The person working there said piercing your ear cost 5 bucks and I'm like... hmm... but I was like, well I'll decided if I wanna get one later. Anyway I get my watch fixed... it cost 3 bucks... real cheap, that's what I though. And plus, the guy took off that fog that was covering my watch (yay). Then we went to the stationary store and I bought us a clip... then we walked around for awhile... then we went to this other ear piercing store that cost 3 dollars and the lady was real nice about it... Man, I had bad experiences with my first ear piercing. I was 7 and my mom did it for me. It was one of those ones on the lobe so you'd have to do both. Well to simplify, it was like she was poking at my ear with a needle... I remember it was on a Sunday from 1 or 2 till 5. It hurt so much. I was crying, I did my left one first (yep, I still remember) and then by the time she was done with that one I was crying so bad my mom was like "well, you don't want just one piercing do you?" and I had to say no. So then she did the other one... man ouch! So anyway, the lady was like oh, it won't hurt that much, but it was real creepy to me still because in a way, it's like saying "please hurt me" and I'm like scared of that kinda stuff. So I close my eyes and I close my hands and my knuckles were white. She kept rubbing alcohol and I was real scared... I was just thinking... get it over with already! Then it happened. It felt like a one second pinch, follow by pain due to the alcohol. It felt like stinging, and it really burned... for about... 3 minutes? Then it was just stinging pain for about 3 hours, but it wasn't noticeable. It stopped hurting around 7. Nancy got her's done too... I'm not sure if it's exactly the same place as mine... anyway... we go home... we watched TV.

I decided to tell my mom about the piercing because I know that she'll find out sometime. I figure that if she found out later without me telling her she'll be real annoyed and as if I don't trust her or anything so the first thing I did when she got home, I told her. She was like... "Oh..." it was a little disapproving, but more like "oh well". She said, "well, it's okay, just don't do one on your nose and tongue or something" and then I was just thinking... ew... I can't do that, it hurts too much and it's not worth it... that stuff looks too sick. I always wanted one on my belly button too, but one of my pen pals, Britni, said that she had a friend that had one on her belly button and she couldn't sit up for a week and it hurt... so now I don't want one anymore... it's just so not worth it!

Nancy mentioned something about Jason being annoyed at me... you know what? I'm really annoyed with him... because I know he's annoyed with me and I know why. See, I can see it from his view, but I don't think he can see it from mine. See, he's mad at me that I'm was just standing there, and he thinks that I don't care... but that's not it at all... it's just that I don't deal with stuff like that the way he does, and that pisses me off... just because he can't see it the way I do, because he can't understand me, he gets annoyed at me! Gosh, I'm sorry I don't think like you! I know why he's annoyed, and I think that he has no reason to be annoyed... so that's why I'm annoyed. So if he just lets the whole thing go, I�ll let it go too... but I think he's waiting for me to let it go. But I think I'm too annoyed for that shit now.

So I'm not going back to China... I have 2-3 weeks to do nothing... actually... there's a few things I gotta do. 1- I gotta finish my English project. 2- I wanna go to Barnes and Nobles and just sit there and READ! ("Fearless" series by Francine Pascal... or some "Fear St." books by RL Stine if I have time) 3- I wanna rent some movies. I have one in mind, "Big fat liar", I think it came out on video. I also wanna see this old movie called "Life as a House" and... Damn... I can't remember what the other movie was called... damn it!!! Well, I'll mention it if I remember, and I'm kinda interested in renting the old version of "The shining" (by Stephen King). And the most important 4- I WANNA SLEEP!!! And on top of that I got the little stuff like cleaning my room and that junk... awwwww... man... summer... this is why summer is great... (If only it wasn't so hot in the summer)

I'm not sure what to make out of Chris. It's confusing me. We were talking about coming over to my house in the future and he said that he's not gonna come to my house anymore just because my parents were annoyed at him for staying till 9pm on Wednesday. I told him that he could come over just as long as he didn't stay so late, but he didn't agree to it. I just wanna know how he thinks of it... I can't make sense of how he sees it because for some reason it doesn't work for him... or maybe it's just me... blah... I'm confusing myself again. And I found another thing that's interesting... he keeps saying how I don't need friends like him or something to that extent. I don't remember he's exact words. Sometimes I don't get why he thinks that but I just thought about it now... and I just realize that maybe that's the exact same problem I have. I know what you're thinking and that's not what I mean... so I'm going to explain...

It's just that for about awhile now I've been real worried about college and SAT and having the grades and that junk. I mean, I think about how it works for Nancy and I immediately think that she's got it better off because she has the better grades and since she has an older brother, it's more like that she'll know what to do. + on top of that, I notice the little things. I notice the things I can't do. I notice my weaknesses. And in the process I don't think that there might possibly be any strong points in me, because I notice the weaknesses too much. So then I start to think that I can't do anything or at least not much at all, but to other people it's different. Other people study you as a whole. They see all of you. They don't see all bad like I do. So with Chris, maybe it's like that too. Maybe Chris sees the bad parts in him... but to other people, you see him as a whole and it's not that bad... it's not bad at all...

Yep. One more step towards philosophy. You know speaking of philosophy... that should be my major... but what would I do with philosophy as a job?? Damn it... I don't know what to be when I grow up again... ARGG... well, I have decided not to take AP Euro. The passing rate was low, so I doubt I could pass it. I don't work hard enough. I think it's time I set my standards a little higher. Oh well... disappointment... here I come!

You know what? I don't think Chris realizes that I like him or something... or maybe he's just super insecure... gosh whatever it is it's annoying. It's like he can't accept the fact that I'm over Jason or that I like him now. Or either that he doesn't want me to like him. God, he confuses me sometimes... though I'd rather not think about it. It gets outta hand when I think about it...

You bRiNg me *cLoseR*

It's a beautiful day, to let it get away...
Touch me, take me to that other place
Reach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case
What you don't have, you don't need it now.
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now, don't need it now...