I went home for awhile, but it was about 30 minutes tops. After that I picked up Nancy and we went to Border's to read. I read the first 100 pages of Linda Howard's Mr. Perfect, which is supposed to be one of her best novels. I didn't get to finish it and that depressed me so I decided to buy it. I might return it later though because I might need that money for something else later. It depends on how much I like the book.
After that I went bowling for about 2 hours. I got a 83 which pissed me off because I wanted at least 100, but I didn't get any snake eyes (zeros on both tries)... well that was the first round. I didn't try as hard on the second round and ended up with a 50 something on the second round. I find that if I really concentrate, I can do pretty well. I got 2 strikes overall. I'm trying to get better at bowling. I really am.
Last night, I did something stupid. Okay, I have to back up a bit. When I went to Polly's Pies, Eric was there. I gave him a ride home to pick up some stuff and then I dropped him off at a friend's house. I stayed there for awhile, but he was outside skating. I was inside watching someone play Counterstrike. He knew about the fact that I was planning on going bowling, but I didn't invite him to go. I guess maybe I would've but I found out that he was going to our school talent show. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to pay $6 to see it. I guess another thing is that I don't like the idea of doing everything with your boyfriend. I know Eric's not my boyfriend technically, but still, same thing.
Anyway, when I left the friend's house to go home, I saw Eric playing hacky sack. I would've said bye but I guess I didn't want to go over there and I thought it was no big deal. I would've waved, but my eyesight is horrible and I couldn't tell if he was looking my way or not. So I drove off.
I guess all this made me feel bad. I know that I'm one of those people that if I don't leave someone at a positive end, I keep thinking about it. I keep wondering if that other person was offended by it and that's why I feel like I need to talk to Eric, just to make sure that things are okay between us, to make sure that he's not angry because I didn't invite him to bowling or because I didn't say bye. And the more I think about it, the more I regret the fact that I didn't say bye. How hard would it have been to say that? I don't know... I just feel stupid.
Anyway, this isn't even the stupid thing. The stupid thing I was talking about originally that I did was because of the first stupid thing I did. Because I was feeling bad, I thought that maybe I should write Eric an email, telling him that I loved him, but I wondered about how often he checked his email and I thought that maybe if I wrote it he would read it a week later and it would lose it's meaning. So I decided to sign into his account (I know his password because it's the same password to everything) and see if he checked his email often. And then I saw this email from Asil.
It inferred in the letter that Eric had written her first, because she mentioned that he was impatient in wanting a response, but the email subject didn't say "RE:". It was an old email from Dec 29 or something like that. I decided to read the email and it said something about how she still liked him but she was too shy to tell him in person and she wanted to know what he thought of the whole thing. It was also implied that Eric at one point liked her. I knew that Asil liked Eric because he had already told me, but I never knew that Eric liked Asil, if he ever did. I know I shouldn't feel threatened about this because I know Eric loves me, but I can't help it.
I really want to ask him if he ever liked Asil. I just don't know how I would respond if Eric told me that he did like her at one point. I guess that's what would hold me back from asking. Could I live with not knowing the answer? Could I live with hearing an answer I didn't want to hear? I've always been the type of person that would rather know than to live a blind stupid life, but I'm not so sure this time. I guess in a way, I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter, because what happened in the past isn't what's going on now, but another thing about this is that I'm being such a hypocrit.
I guess I care so much about this because if Eric did like Asil at one time, that leaves room for Eric to like her again. And despite how well I get along with Asil, despite how much I like her, she's still a girl. And girls are the most manipulative people ever and I know she's one of those type of people. She's one of those manipulatives type of people and she's gonna try to change Eric's mind or something. I say I'm a hypocrit though because Chris IMed me again Wednesday night. He said that he had a dream that I called him or left him a message on his machine saying that we never talk or something like that.
He said that I should join this thing percussion thing. I had found out about it eariler from Jason that day and I had decided that I wanted to go. When I went on Thursday, I thought about Chris for quite a bit. I thought about how we've changed and grown apart and I could see that in some ways, I could never resist Chris, but because of other reasons, I would never give in like I did before and that makes me wonder if Eric would ever feel the same way I did. The thing is though that I've got the advantage because I've fallen in love 2 times before this and I still love both of them. Eric's never loved anyone before. He probably can't think about someone else because there's nobody really to think about.
You know for some reason, thinking about all this now and writing it all out, I feel better all of a sudden. As if this whole day, I've turned into that dumb person, but right now I've changed back into the person I want to be. Today, I've been kind of breaking my guidelines, which really depressed me. I've been doing so well following it and I don't want to stop now. But I guess I did today, but I've snapped back. I'm so glad I did because I absolutely love Eric and I don't want to do something stupid.
I'm never looking through his email account again. I just don't have that kind of right. I don't want to be that king of girlfriend anyway. I think that to myself a lot - "I don't want to be that kind of a girlfriend". I know I'm not Eric's girlfriend, but I'm really trying. I'm trying so damn hard. I've realized that I would never make a good girlfriend on a lot of level (this being one of them) and I've decided that I have to learn now if I don't want to fuck things up when we are together. I know Eric said that we're not together because he doesn't want to fuck up really badly like before, but there's so many advantages about this. I'm actually hoping that we don't get together until May or June, but we'll see what happens I guess. I could really use this time to figure out what kind of girlfriend I want to be. By God, I'm really going to try fucking hard.
Here are my guidelines by the way:
1. I will not think about breaking up.
2. I will show more emotion; I will say how I feel.
3. I will try to be more emotional.
4. I will ask for what I want; I will do it if I want to (don't hold back).
5. If I can tell something about us to someone else, I can him.
6. I will not give up on Eric no matter how hopeless it may seem because of something stupid I did.
7. I will not compare Eric to Chris.
So far I've broken #1 quite a bit. I decided to add 7 as an after thought. Sometimes I think about Eric, and Chris pops into my head and I don't like that. Sometimes though, because of this rule, I think about the fact that I can't compare Eric to Chris and I get scared about thinking of Eric.
Anyway, one last thing is that my fictionpress is finally up. See it here.