It must be because I'm alone. You know how I get when I'm alone. I'm crazy. But truly, it really does feel like there's so much happiness inside of me that I could burst. This kind of feeling doesn't happen very much, but I'm so familiar with it because it happened once the day I was with Chris. It happened some days ago when I found out that I was in love with Eric for sure. This kind of happiness is almost lethal because instead of feeling glad inside, I feel sad. Have you ever felt so happy that you felt sad? No, of course not, but I have. It makes sense to me. This kind of overwhelming happiness makes me sad. And I guess in the end, it's better to just not think about how happy I am.
Being happy has totally gotten to my head too because I don't really act like myself. I know so because last year I was unhappy. I was sad... alone, lost. I hardly ever smiled so genuinely as I do now. Sometimes, it's so genuine that it feels fake. Does that make sense? I think that if someone else was reading everything I've just written in this entry, they would think that I'm talking out of my ass, trying to be wise when I'm just a dumbshit. I may not know much, but I know how I feel and if the way I feel is completely illogical, I don't really care. The truth of the matter is that I love the way this is.
Sometimes I hug people for no reason. I hug Jed, charita, and Dami at least once a day. And when I see Zuri, I hug her as well... it's just that I don't see her that much. Sometimes I'll hug Ken, who I'm not even that close with... and everyone else. I'm just constantly happy that I can't help it. I just want to hold someone and pass along my love. I'm sure this is a side effect of my love for Eric, but I can't control it and I guess I don't really want to. I like being happy.
Of course I'm still me. I still insult people as a joke, everyone laughs, we all have a great time. I still tease Charita. I argue with her as if she were my sister (yes, no, yes, no). I call her a loser and she says I'm a bigger one. God, what more could I want out of life? I truly think that this is the happiest I've ever been and I'll ever be. I don't see how things could possibly get any better than this. I don't see how I could possibly feel happier than I do... and I wish so much that I could show you how amazing that is. I wish I could show you what happiness is, the way I see it now. Because this kind of feeling is about as unordinary as it gets and I swear that I'm going to hold on so tight and I'm so going to fight to make it last. I took a risk and in doing so, I've seen such amazing things that I never thought I could ever feel again, that I never thought I could feel to such great heights. I don't know what's more amazing - that this kinda happiness exist or that it's happening to me... because, really, that's how amazing this happiness is.
I say I'm emotionally stable, but I wonder if I am. I think that under the circumstances if something bad were to happen, I would totally crack. I would just die with sadness if this were taken from me. How could I feel such happiness and have it taken away from me like that? I'm not sure I can handle that. I'm not sure I really want to. I guess the truth is, I'm only emotionally stable because I'm so happy, but if this happiness were gone, I would be even more unstable then I was before and that scares me so much. I really don't want to lose it, because if I could feel such happiness, I can only imagine what kind of sadness I would feel to the same degree.