I didn't come home until about 1 am yesterday. I didn't think it would be a big deal because all the other days that I came home late (at around 12 or 12:30), she never said anything... well that was because she was always asleep when I got home. Somehow though, last night I had a feeling that maybe I should've gone home early.
Just now, my mom gave me a 45 minute lecture, topped by another 10 more minutes of lecture. The first 45 minutes she asked me where I was so late and I replied that I was at Eric's house, which was a half truth. I was across the street from Eric's house and we were in the car and I'll let you imagine what we were doing. She then started talking about all this stuff about how relaxed Eric is and because of that he doesn't know how to show respect to other people. I guess that's partly true, but I don't really care. That kind of stuff doesn't really bother me.
She then went on to talk about how stupid I was to hang out with people like him. I never realized my mom was so materialistic, but I think she is. She asked me these questions: "Is he rich?" "Is he smart?" "Does he have good friends?" I didn't answer any of them, but it would've been no, yes, and maybe. He's not rich, that's for sure, but Eric is really smart, but he just doesn't work very hard and my mom doesn't like people like that. I think that she considers dumb people that try hard to be smarter than people who are smart but lazy, so I didn't answer to that. As for friends, Eric makes a variety of friends and some of them are bums. I know he has a lot of friends that do drugs and have kids, so my mom would totally look down on that. But Eric also has decent friends, if he made friends with me, what does that tell you?
Anyway, then she asked me if I liked him and I said no very swiftly and then she asked if he liked me and I said that I didn't think so. I'm sorry that I had to lie to her, but it's for her own good. If I told her that I was with him, she would've had a huge fit about how dumb I am and how I'm settling for someone lower than me. She says that all the time. She constantly thinks that everyone I like is lower than me and she asks me why I fall for these dumb people. I can't control who I like for one thing, but if I could, I don't think I would change anything. What's wrong with liking someone lower than me? I totally don't see Eric that way at all, but my mom, being so materialistic and all that, just has to have the best for me, right? I know she wants me to have an easy life and all that and I know that's easier to accomplish if I had a husband with a decent job and all that, but I don't think that a huge amount of wealth is a necessity. I just want to be happy with who I'm with and Eric makes me happy, but she couldn't understand that.
In all honesty, I think a lot of these lectures that she gives me are driven from her own desires. My mom didn't exactly marry a rich guy. I think she's trying to give me what she wanted, but she doesn't realize that that's not necessarily what I want. I always understand what my mom is trying to say, her analogies and all that, but I just totally don't think that way. She and I have totally different perspectives.
She went on about this for about 45 minutes. I don't know how the hell she manages to do that, but well, she has a gift at rambling. The other thing that was significant was that Nancy had to come over to work on our English project so my mom said that we were kinda friends again. Suprisingly, she thought that it was good that I was talking to her because this meant that I wouldn't have this deep long scar in the back of my head the rest of my life. Ironically, if you remember, Eric was the one that was able to give me enough support... he was the one that finally convinced me to talk to talk to Nancy. Out of all the people... What does that say about Eric then? That maybe he's not so unworthy of me, huh? I can't say that to my mom though, she would just come up with another reason to bash Eric.
At one point during this conversation, I really began to hope that I had made it into Irvine or some school so that next year I will live at the dorms and never have to worry about this again. I began wondering about when my mom would die, because I think that I wouldn't want her to meet my husband because I get the feeling that even if I don't marry Eric, I'll marry someone like him... someone that she won't like. And I don't really feel like listening to her lectures about how the man I'm going to marry is not good enough for me (or if you think about it, good enough for her). I know it's a really sad thing to think about - wondering when your mom would die so you could avoid having her at your wedding, but this is the kind of ends she's driving me to. She brought this on herself. I even began to wonder about the possibility of whether she could maybe get Alzheimer's so she wouldn't remember who I was married to.
I really think that I would want to be far away from my mom as possible. I wouldn't want to talk to her or anything. I wouldn't mind sending her money because she did raise me and all that, so I should provide for her as well, but other than that, I really don't want her to be a part of my life. I guess all this is really sad, but I can't help the way I feel about her. Maybe one day I'll change my mind, but for now I really doubt it.
Anyway, after I thought all this was done, I went to my room for a few minutes of peace and quiet before my mom came in for the second part of her lecture, but at least it was only 10 minutes this time. She then closed the door and I realized she didn't want my dad to hear this so it probably meant something about sex, but it was ridiculous because she was talking so loud that I doubt the door did anything. She pointed out 3 things that I absolutely cannot do. First she asked me if I had had sex yet and I answered honestly, "no". That made me wonder if... had I had sex, would I have been able to say "no"? I never lie, and I try my best not to lie to my parents, unless absolutely necessary. If I had to tell her that I had sex with Eric, what would she say about that? I can only imagine how stupid she would think I am... and I would have to tell her that I was with him and all of that. I'm glad I thought about this because now I know that if I really did have sex with Eric, then I would have to say "no". I cannot tell her everything that goes on between Eric and I so I would have to just say that nothing is going on at all. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but that's life, I guess.
Anyway, while I was thinking this, my mom says that I shouldn't have sex until I'm married... that I should save myself for as long as I could. That was really odd because I've never heard her say anything about saving myself before. I never really knew what she thought about it, but I guess that's because I never thought about what she would say. She says that I shouldn't do it because I would end up getting hurt and regretting it. She thinks that I would have sex with someone and then the next day that guy will totally ignore me and I would end up getting hurt. At first I thought that this was all ridiculous. I mean, I've thought about the possibility of Eric turning out like that, because Chris said that I should do it with him rather than someone who would do that to me, which if you think about it is ridiculous because if I did it with him, that's what would've happened. Anyway, I know this is unreasonable because I know Eric loves me. He told me last night that he wouldn't do it with me unless I was absolutely sure. And even if I were to stop at the last moment, he would accept that because he wants me to be sure. He even stated that if I changed my mind again later and decided that I really was ready, he still wouldn't accept it because it's a sign of being unsure (changing my mind). I really don't think a guy that wants me only for sex would say something like that.
On the other hand, there is one thing I didn't consider which is that what if I'm hurt in the end anyway because we break up? I mean, as much of a romantic as I would like to be, I'm sure that there will be a break up. What if I take it really bad? What if I regret doing it with him then? I really don't think I would... but things are always changing.
I've been wondering if maybe we should slow down... Maybe this has strictly been a physical thing. No matter what, I've decided that I'm not gonna have sex with him until I get out of high school. If I lose my virginity sometime now, it would be at the backseat of my dad's car and I don't want it to be like that. And since we're technically not together, that really bothers me too. I don't want my first time to be with someone who technically wasn't my boyfriend... and anyway, by then we would be with each other for about 8 months which sounds like a more reasonable time to have sex than 3 or 4 or whatever.
I will not lose control no matter how much I want something. I think this was a wake up call for me in some way. I really want to be certain of our stability before I involve sex in it. Relationships are stressful enough as they are. As for the stuff in between kissing and sex, I'm not sure about that yet. I haven't decided on that. I'm going to try to do it as less. I guess this will really test how much Eric is dedicated to me because I know Eric won't like these limitations, I mean, what guy would? But if he loves me, like he says, he'll get through it.
The other 2 things on my mom's list were drugs and gambling and I'm not worried about either. I hate the though of having drugs in my body (same goes for Eric by the way) and I doubt I would get addicted to gambling because I'm kind of a cheap person.