I haven't updated in awhile because I guess I haven't had much to say. And anyway, things are bringing me down. Right now, I'm really dizzy and my cough isn't getting much better. I guess that I thought it was, but it feels pretty much the same. My birthday is on Tuesday and I'm not looking forward to it at all, but I guess I don't really care. I don't care about anything anymore. I'm just really apathetic really. I guess the only thing that I do care about is my cold and how it's not getting much better. It's driving me insane how weak I have become. I don't know what's happening to my body... but I guess I overestimated it. I feel so hopeless... I wanna break down and cry. I just want to get better, is that a lot to ask for? Why am I so emotional right now? I just don't understand myself. I thought I did, but I don't.

One thing's for sure, I'm not scared of death. I thought that I was, but I'm not scared of death at all... I'm scared to kill myself... but that's a totally different story. I think that dying isn't a big deal anymore. It's no different than being born... it's part of life. If I shall die tomorrow then so be it.

I once thought that if I had a boyfriend then he would always know how to make me feel better. At one point, even before Eric, I've realized that this perception is so very wrong. The truth is that you should never count on anyone to make you feel better. A lot of people believe that being in a relationship is about being able to lean on someone else when you need it... that's not true. The truth is that, you need to learn to lean on yourself before leaning on someone else... being able to lean on your boyfriend is only a comfort... and it's not a necessity. I knew all of this before Eric, but somehow I got it all mixed up. Not being able to make Eric feel better when he's down, brings me down to a level of depression that I never thought existed. How is it that he can make me feel so bad, when he doesn't even try? Don't you see how much I care about him?

If I learned one thing in all of this is that I'm never going to mutter the words "fine then"... not in that connotation where it's just whatever, I don't give a fuck. Those words hurt more than as if you said nothing at all... and I refuse to say them. I know everyone says it when they're pissed, but not me. I'm going to try damn hard to avoid saying them. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to get some sleep because the medication is making me dizzier.