Today was a much, much better day, but let's back up a whole lot to Sunday...
After my last entry on Sunday, I talked to Eric a little more at night and kind of tried to fix the things between us, but it wasn't that great. Oh, I forgot to mention that we kinda had an arguement... He was feeling down and saying all sorts of negative things. I just kept feeling worse and even more so because I know that I can't cheer Eric up. So I said that maybe we should stop talking and he got mad at me and muttered the words "fine then". Anyway, I can't really remember what went down after that that afternoon because to be honest, it's all been kind of a blur and you'll see why when I tell you what happened on Monday. Anyway, I just remember that it didn't end too well. I went to sleep pretty early because I started a fever. I don't even remember the last time that I had a fever... it was so long ago... which reminds me, that my cold is still here... It's been 2 weeks and 2 days... when will it end? I still cough every now and then and it pisses me off, bothers me to no end (no pun intended).
I was so heavily medicated that when I woke up Monday, I was still sick so I decided that I should just stay in bed and I didn't go to school in the end. I woke up a lot every couple of hours or so. I slept through the night, though I woke up a lot during the middle of the following night and I couldn't sleep too well because of all the sleep that I had gotten during the day. I couldn't really do much but sleep though because everytime I got up, I felt really dizzy and I thought that I was gonna fall. Anyway, I left an away message for Eric to call me and he called me around 10:30, I believe. I talked to him about how I felt, about how it bothers me when he's angry and he's apathetic towards my feelings. I know that he doesn't really mean to be apathetic towards me, but you know that my heart can't take things like that and it really takes me awhile to convince myself that he's just like that right now. And he knows how much that damages me, but he can't help it. I get scared though that he'll say something that he doesn't mean and I take it to my heart, and it's so damaging that I can't even convince myself in my head to convince my heart. What if I just lose it? I'm so scared... What if I do something that I don't mean? And what if he does? I wonder if one day Eric will be so angry that I can't shake him out of it. Like what if I begged him and tried hard to make him see feel that he loved me, but he still couldn't... told me to go away ... How could I take something like that? How could I deal with that? How understanding can I be? I wish the questions would stop because imagining it happening is enough to break my heart. I just love Eric so much.
Anyway, we talked about some other things. I told him that sometimes I wish he would do things for me but that I know it's Eric and I don't expect it, he's not that kind of guy, and I understand that... and if I didn't, I shouldn't have gotten with him because I know what kind of guy Eric is. He's not ...very expressive like that. Anyway, around then he told me that he had made something for me and that it was really corny and stuff (for my brithday, although he didn't mention it was for that). He told me that he decided to tell me this now because he didn't want me to think that he made that just after I mentioned all of this to him. I guess now that I think about it since I haven't mentioned my birthday at all to him, I wouldn't have assumed that he made it after the phone call.
Somehow though, I kinda knew he would make me something though, because he asked me sometime in December when my birthday was, funny how I remember things like that, but for some reason when it concerns my brithday, I'm very aware, that's how I always kinda know the things that my friends would get me for my birthday when they asked me questions about what I wanted. Anyway though, Nancy told me Tuesday that Eric had asked when my brithday was and then when she told him he said "oh shit" or something like that, and then she commented that she hoped that Eric got done whatever he was gonna get me or something like that. I didn't get mad when I heard that though, I just kind of smiled a bit. Eric does try, I know he does and that means so much to me. I'm so greatful that he tries. Sometimes, I think I'm just too hard on him. I wonder if I ask for a lot from him? Sometimes, I just want more than what Eric offers me, but I try to be understanding about it. There's just such a fragile line between being understanding and wanting what I want. I love him and I'm just naturally a compassionate person. I'm patient with him because love is patient. I know I would love what he does for me and I know that in time he'll come through and that's why I'm patient, because he is worth the wait. But I think that sometimes, I stutter and get depressed, angry, unhappy, whatever, because I feel that he's not making as much progress as I would like. I guess no matter how patient I try to be, I can fluctuate... but I try. I try just as much as he does.
Oh and he finally memorized my phone number. Took him about two and a half months, I think. Well, it's kinda reasonable because we talk online all the time, I think he's called me about 5 times in those two and a half months so I guess it's pretty reasonable.
Anyway, Tuesday... my unfortunate birthday day... I guess I started out decent. I got there early to get my readmit but it turned out that none of my teachers needed it so I got pissed off. I thought Mr. Civics would've asked for it, because he asks everyone else, but he didn't. It pisses me off. Anyway, I was really out of it in his class and I wasn't fully awake, but it doesn't matter I guess. Second period was when the shit began. I got called into the office and I already didn't feel too good, but then Dulce, one of the office ladies, gave me this blue paper and I scanned through it briefly and I realized it was a referral. I glanced through it briefly and it said "bitch" at the end of the reason for referral. And then I remembered that last week while paying for my AP tests, I got angry because I didn't get to pay for my AP tests during lunch because the bell rang and even though I was next in line and I didn't have to go to my next class yet, the finace lady wouldn't allow me to pay. I was having a shit day so I was really pissed off and I muttered the word "bitch", but Mr. Velez heard me and he mentioned that I shouldn't say things like that, and I just kinda nodded, I was too pissed to really listen to him. Anyway, that's how I got the blue slip.
I was apathetic to it at first, but then I was sitting there for awhile and I just began to lose it. I started thinking about how much crap I've been through lately and how things will never look up. I began to think about what a crap person I've been and I just kept thinking, "today I turned 18 and I fucking hate it"... Nobody really cares about anybody in this fucking world... and I began to wonder why the world was so against me. All these horrible thoughts came into my head and I think that at one point, I was contemplating self injury, but I fought against it as always. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever fully get over that. The other thing was that I've never gotten a blue slip, so I wondered what would happen. Anyway, it just bothered me that I've also marred my record, but whatever. I just have to serve detention. I then talked to Mrs. Zietlow who told me that she was gonna suspend me, but then changed her mind, but Eric told me later that you can't get suspended because of that... Oh well. I believed her at the time and because of how much I was already beating myself down, I just lost it. I started crying and by the end I worked myself in a frenzy right then and there. I started wheezing and I think I finally knew how people with asthma felt and I know it was only so bad because of my cough. I got out of there as soon as I could but as I walked back to class, my cough got uncontrolable. I had to stay out for about another 5 minutes before I could calm down.
I just couldn't handle it. I began to wonder why I got a cold in the first place. Why couldn't I get better and why is it that when I've fallen so hard, someone just beats me down more and nobody picks me up? Why is that people are so inconsiderate? Here I was, my fucking birthday, with a cold nontheless, and I just got a blue slip. What the fuck is that? I just felt so fucking low. The more I coughed, the more I wanted to cough. The more I cried, the harder I wanted to cry. Even when I went back to class, I had my head down and I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to stop crying because in some way that made me feel better and I had began to think again that I deserved this misery, that I was in some way being punished for the crime (whatever that would've been) that I had commited and I just wanted to keep crying...
I was glad nobody noticed me, none of my classmates or friends anyway, because I knew that none of them would've been able to cheer me up. Who I really wanted at that moment was Eric though. But he couldn't have been there... he's not in my class and I know that he probably wouldn't have been able to make me feel better, but even if he held me, I would've felt in some way some ease. After that my teacher, Ms. Suzuki came by but it was only because it turned out that my mom was there to see me. She briefly asked me if I was okay and I explained about the blue slip and she said that she hoped that I felt better. I went to the office still half in tears, not bothering to hide it. I figured that I would just tell my mom what happened. Maybe if she saw me crying she would feel sympathetic, and I would need that on my side when I tell her about the blue slip and about losing the income papers. So I did tell her everything that went down. In the end and I guess it half worked... She asked me why I was crying. Was I scared? Did I felt like Mrs. Zietlow did something wrong? Why couldn't she just understand that I felt bad? Why couldn't she understand that I was crying because I made a mistake? Why couldn't she see that I was crying just because? ...because I was human?
After that I went back to class and I guess the rest of the day looked up. After school, I talked to Eric for awhile and after that I felt much better. It started out a little rocky because he talked about how he was scared of being hurt... in general because of us, because of losing me. Of course, there's really not much I could say about that. Even positive me, for once, only had neutral things to say about it. The truth is you can't control anything, just be happy with what you've got and live. Go with the flow. After that things got better. Everyday, I just love Eric more and more. He gives me this warm feeling everytime I think about it and it almost seems as if nothing else really matter. I think about the fact that I have Eric and I know I feel really greatful. I do get scared a lot about losing him because that would just be too devastating. I hate to sound sappy, but I've been thinking that maybe I really wouldn't know where I would be without Eric. I thought that maybe I could get through it because I've been through it twice before, but I seriously doubt it. I really think that if we break up, this would be the worst one of all, and if not that at least just as bad. I just get through things so much better. I randomly think about him during the day and I just smile... I just know I'm so in love with him. I grin so hard it hurts, and even though it does, I don't care and I'm sure I would grin harder if I could. I just... God, I love Eric so much. He makes everything bad okay. He makes everything perfect. After that, I had a ton of homework so that really dragged me down. I went to sleep really tired and really late. I woke up pretty refreshed though.
I had a really great dream about Eric that I won't get into, but I will talk about one part of the dream and it's that in the dream Susan and Jason found out about Eric and I because they were hidding in an closet and overheard Eric and I talking. Susan hunted me down to ask me the details while I tried to run away and hide behind a bed. Afterwards a bunch of my friends found out and they were all trying to ask me what was going on. Unfortunately, I couldn't stall them anymore and I was beginning to tell them what happened, but some other weird stuff happened and I got cut off. As I was telling them what happened, I felt this feeling of relief, as if I wouldn't have to keep this a secret anymore, and so when I woke up, I felt kind of sad that I haven't told Susan about Eric and I. I feel bad because she asked me about it once and I told her that she could guess who it was, but I couldn't tell her unless I knew Eric was okay with it. I asked Eric later if we could, but he opposed the idea because Susan's one of those people that would keep saying "aww" and that bugs him. He said that I could if I wanted to though, but to save him trouble, I never bothered to IM Susan back about who it was and she never asked again, but every once in awhile, I feel like telling her. I feel like I need a girl's perspective on things sometimes and I know that Susan is also one of those girls that I would be able to gush all my feelings on. I could talk about how much I love Eric and how sweet he is and all that and she would just nod and say "mmhmm" like she knows what I'm talking about and she would because she has Jason. Sometimes, I really need that from someone. I know I say I'm not a girly girl, but the truth is as much as I can't relate to them, sometimes I need to. Sometimes, I am a girly girl at heart, no matter how much I can't relate to them. But I can't tell Susan... This isn't the first time I've wanted to tell her since that day she asked. I think that sometimes I do impulsive things that I regret doing, because after awhile, the feeling of wanting to tell Susan goes away and sometimes I'm glad I haven't told her. I just don't think I should tell her until I'm absolutely sure.
That brings me to today (that's right... all that and I haven't even talked about today yet). Today was a great day compared to yesterday. Everything went so much better. I found out that I got an A- in economics. So that's a 3.83 this semester. The only thing that brought it down was when Eric and I got in the car. I had seen Mike earlier. Remember Mike, my old friend that I haven't seen in forever? He was at school today, but I couldn't really get to talk to him because he was talking to someone else. He said he'll be around for about two weeks so maybe I could talk to him later.
Anyway, when we got in the car, I started to talk about Mike to Eric and I asked Eric, "do you remember Mike?" And I forgot if he said anything or if I just answered my own question saying of course not. He actually remembered a considerable amount of things about him, I mean for Eric. I know Eric has a bad memory and I know he tries. Why did I snap at him like that? I felt like I overreacted now that I think about it and that gets me sad. I almost feel like crying for putting him through that. It's just that for a moment there I was really depressed about the fact that Eric couldn't remember. For a moment there, I wondered if Eric ever listens to anything I say... Why? Why did I think that? Why do I think about things like that? I know he cares and I know he listens, but why did I in that moment feel like that? I almost wish I hadn't said anything because a couple of minutes later, I felt better about the whole thing and I guess I was happy again. Why am I like this? I thought I was over this inconsistancy. I just... I think I still hurt Eric though because he was still really quiet afterwards. I think he was contemplating something. Why do I put him through this kind of stuff. It's stuff like this that pisses me off because I thought I wasn't going to think about this, wasn't going to be like this... I thought I was supposed to be learning to be a better girlfriend? I hate, I absolutely hate making him feel bad. It just... tears me apart. And you know what, I wonder... am I asking for a lot? I know Eric has a bad memory. Why am I like this? I just... I need to remember to be patient.
I've been contemplating if I should let Eric read this diary. There's a lot of things I would have to delete though and I'm not sure if I should also because I think I would start to hold some things back. I just can't share 100% but sometimes I have trouble saying the things I want to say and this would be a good way, but I've been doing well, I find that I can say everything that I need to say to Eric. It's hard, but I can do it for the first time... I couldn't in my past relationships and that makes me feel good about myself, that I can do it now.
Me: I just wanted to apologize for earlier because I feel really bad.
Me: I just want you to know that I appreciate you and the fact that you're trying.
Eric: Oh.
Eric: Heh.
Eric: It's okay. I got over it. I just need to work on it.
Eric: Ahh.
Me: Okay. Good. I don't want you to be depressed over it.
Eric: It's okay. Don't worry about it.
Me: Alright.
Me: I'll be patient.
Me: I believe in you.
Eric: Thanks.
Eric: That means a lot.
Eric: I want to be good for you.
Eric: I really do.
Eric: I know
Me: I know you do
Eric: Ok.
Oh and by the way, Eric's card present... I loved it. I love him...