All this time I've been counting on Eric to make me feel better everytime I'm down. I think it bothers me a lot that Eric doesn't always know how I'm feeling. It bothers me though because I can always tell how he's feeling, or to some degree know and I try damn hard. Sometimes I feel like Eric doesn't try as hard to take care of me in that sense. He's just not as caring as I would like him to be I guess. Sometimes, I just don't know what goes on in that head of his.
I know I shouldn't talk about this, but you know who could make me smile when I was crying? Anthony and Chris. Most of you probably don't remember Anthony anymore, but before he moved away about 2 years ago and I was still with Chris... when all that drama happened... When I cried, they would do stupid silly things to make me laugh. I remember one time Anthony sang "don't worry, be happy" and he would say "hakuna matata" to me. That amazes me so because I thought that Anthony didn't like me, but to see him make such an effort. That just meant so much to me. That showed me that he had a lot of compassion. People don't realize how strong compassion is.
I think I've decided that I'm just not gonna turn to Eric if I'm feeling down. He doesn't know how to cheer me up and I think I'll just bring him down. I mean, I sure as hell don't like it when he brings up that he's depressed. It depresses me because I don't know how to make it better. I wish I knew, but I don't. Why should I burden him with my troubles anymore? He doesn't make it better and I end up feeling worse than I already was. I think a lot about the kind of future that Eric and I will have... all the time. I wonder if he's right for me. And then sometimes I wonder if I'm with someone that's up to my standards. There's a lot of things about Eric that I wish he wasn't like. I wish he knew me better for one thing. I wish he could see when I was down or up. I just wish that he would know what I was feeling. What if he doesn't feel me loving him? I know that's illogical thinking, but I'm just saying... It amazes me sometimes how he seems to act like he cares so very little. Am I really okay with being with a person like that?
And I guess a lot of the times I say that it would be different if we were living together or something, but I wonder how different it could be. And if we can't survive under these conditions, then how the hell would it make a difference otherwise? Sometimes I just miss him terribly though. Sometimes at random times of the day, I just wish that he was with me to hold me. Just to hold me... I want to be loving all the time, but I guess I can't even do that so I don't expect that from him. I don't know what the deal is anymore. Somtimes I just want him to hold my hand, but he doesn't even do that. If I want him to hold my hand, I have to reach for his and hold his hand... because sometimes it seems that even when I hold his hand, he seems reactionless. Is this the kind of guy I imagined being with?
It pains me that I'm doubting our relationship so much. I already know that I'm in too deep. No matter what things he does to make me unhappy, I couldn't dare imagine being without him and maybe that scares me a lot, because he has this silent power over me... he does and he doesn't really realize it. I just hope that he doesn't turn out to be an asshole and I realize it way too late. I guess even if I realize it now, it would be too late. How is it that I could fall for someone so wrong? I mean, I'm not saying that Eric's that guy, but I know I could. I know I could fall for someone a lot worse. I don't know why I get myself into these kinds of relationships. I so want the perfect relationship, but I realize now that that's asking for way too much. I guess the truth in any relationship is that it's not perfect and it's only close to perfect when you know each other's faults and you are willing to look over that. I just don't know if I can do it.
I see a lot of things I don't like about Eric and Eric says he's trying to change, but I wonder if he will or if he will fast enough. What if it's never good enough for me? It seems like no matter what I think about this, no matter how much I love him, it may not be enough to bring us out. I like how people think that love is enough for a relationship. It's not. The ability to change is a huge factor in it. And I'm not saying Eric doesn't have that because I don't know. I hope I didn't make a big mistake when I fell in love with him. And God, if he could hear me now questioning all of this, I wouldn't even know how he would react. I guess he would be angry at first, but if he starts thinking clearly he might be able to get over all of this, but if it's too much, I think he would want to break up. And then I think that that would be the bigger mistake - breaking up, because I know what we have is really strong. We've only been together for 3 months, but we have nearly a year of friendship that uplifts us.
No matter what I say about Eric, at the end of the day, nothing changes. I still love him, and I can't imagine my life without him. I still need him just as much and being without him would just be too much. I wish I could chase the doubt away from my head. I wonder if Eric ever thinks about any of this. I doubt it though because he thinks I'm his perfet girlfriend. How wrong he is.
One last thing is that I saw this "21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness." here. It's so true. Men do one great thing and women seem to want to give them anything they want. What sucks more is that if you weren't thankful enough, they might think that you didn't care and never do a single thing for you again. What the fuck is that? I absolutely hate that. Maybe I shouldn't do things for Eric anymore. I never seem to get much in return, and I know that if he did give me something in return, it wouldn't be enough... but yet I would have to accept it as enough. What the fuck is that? That's so much bullshit. I don't want to be with someone like that... Am I with someone like that? I just wish... I wish he would do things for me enough to keep me happy, and not just enough to keep me hanging on. Fuck... I really hope that that doesn't happen because that's just so much bullshit I can't even begin to get angry. I will not be with someone like that.