I'm just so angry right now and I don't feel like I have a right to be angry. I mean, I guess I have the right, but I just shouldn't be angry. I haven't seriously spoken to Eric since Saturday and even that was a short conversation. I didn't mind because I knew he was hanging out with Danny, and I like Danny. He hung out with Dannay again Sunday because he slept over. Okay, whatever. I went to sleep early yesterday and I didn't get to talk to Eric at all. This morning... didn't really get to talk to him either. As soon as he signed on, he went away. Then I said hi to him, but when he came back he said he had to go. Whatever.

Am I supposed to keep tabs on him? I don't feel like I should know every little detail about him, but it pisses me off if he was hanging out with Asil. I have this incredibily huge jealousy because of her. I mentioned this in my other diary but not here, but I've been really jealous of her lately. I absolutely despise her for everything she's done, but still I'm jealous if Eric were to hang out with her. But I'm not a bitch. I don't want to conrol him. He should hang out with whomever he pleases. And I just wish that I knew how to deal with that better. How do you deal with jealousy? It's not anyone else either, it's only her.

I'm so sick of it all... it's so stupid. I hate feeling jealous. Another reason, I guess, why I'm so emotional right now is because I miss him so much. And it feels as if he hardly notices that I'm gone. Am I supposed to make an effort to tell him this if he's just gonna leave? I mean, the only thing I wanted to say to him some minutes ago was that I missed him. I knew he was going out based on that away message. I hate feeling like this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being totally unreasonable. Lately, I've realized how Eric is not how I pictured my boyfriend to be. I've been wondering if I could live like that despite the way we are. Can I really be happy? I know it's too late to question any of this, but I have to question. The thing is Eric says he's trying. I guess I just don't feel that much of a change. I never realized how much I've been hanging out with him.

I just need to find some other people to hang out with. I hate the fact that I was thinking that maybe I could hang out with Eric today and before I could even ask him that he tells me he's going out. I'm tired of being the sappy person sitting home all day because her boyfriend was out all day. Just fuck that. I know I shouldn't be angry, but whatever. I don't care.

On a totally different subject, I heard my winamp play "Somewhere in Between" by Lifehouse, which was a song that's always reminded me of Jeff. And all of a sudden I've really started to miss him. I keep saying a lot, that I'll go to London to see him, but by the end I chicken out. I'm 18 this year and I think that it would really help me if I could travel and see some people including him. I never realized how much he was a part of my life before. He was the one guy that I could always count on talking to if everyone else failed me. I know I shouldn't miss him so, but I do. I mean, I have a boyfriend and he's with someone else, but it's okay to miss him isn't it?

I just miss talking to him horribly. I know I shouldn't... I know I'm breaking a lot of rules or something, but I just can't help it. Fuck. Maybe I'm turning to him because of Eric... because I feel like I can't really rely on him. You know what I admire... people who say that their husband or wife is their best friend, because before Eric and I were together, I could tell him everything, now I can't. I can't tell him this, but I could tell someone else. I'm a miserable rotten creep.