I just found out that my new earring is a piece of shit now. I'll take a picture and you'll see what I mean. I dropped one of the balls on it again... just like last time. However, it's only been a fucking week. That pisses me off. Maybe I'll go to the swapmeet again and maybe she could give me another ball for it... dunno.
I went to Knott's theme park yesterday, not for work, but for fun. It's probably the last time until I start work there. I'm not looking forward to it because I know I will be let down if I do. However, I really want to start already because I really want the money.
Knott's was good and bad. I had a stomach ache the entire night and I think it was because I hadn't eaten before the rides. I know it's supposed to be bad if you do eat, but I think I'm the opposite, because I've never had a stomach ache so bad before. I felt like throwing up a lot. I lost my glasses on Ghostrider so I drove home blind... I have another pair of glasses and contacts so I'm not too concerned. I think for the most part, especially in the beginning, I was being a really poor sport. I just didn't want to see Andre or Nancy. I guess I didn't really want to see Vivian either. I'm not sure about Eric... I think it was both ways.
I found out that Andre lied to me. I don't know why he felt that he had too, I doubt it was anything important. I am so disappointed, I guess I never expected that from him, but I guess I should've considering his circle of friends does. I'm so stupid to try any of this shit again. To be honest, I was better off where I was at. Now, everything in my world's fucked up. I guess I can only blame myself for getting invovled.
I had a dream yesterday that Eric cheated on my with this girl at school. I think it was Cynthia V.K. (I've never talked about her before though, but she's one of my classmates), except she was Mexican in the dream (She's mixed asian and white... I don't think she's Mexican) and she was really slutty. One of those girls that Eric wouldn't like basically. I doubt Eric likes Cynthia the way she is right now anyway. In the dream though, I wasn't that hurt by his cheating.
It seemed to me that the cheating was a representation of the fact that he treats me differently now around other people. I forget the way he used to treat me, because I never cared all that much. Even when I liked him, I couldn't ask anything of him, but now that I'm his girlfriend... it's different.
We don't act like we're together at all. That wouldn't really bother me if he wasn't messing around with other girls. I don't mean it as bad as it sounds, but I don't know another way to describe it. He hits girls (not hard, not exactly playful either), and he makes fun of them. To an extent, it could be called flirting because he gives them attention, but in his head it's abuse. That's why he doesn't do it to me and in the process, I feel left out. I mean, I don't know that I would like getting hit and stuff like that, but at least I'd know that he notices that I'm alive. I feel like we're a fucking lie sometimes. I don't know why I'm always stuck in this kind of relationship.
Anyway, in the dream, I said to him something that I really agree with, too bad I don't remember what it was that I said exactly. It was something along the lines of "sometimes I'm not really sure you love me, and then I don't even know why I'm with you." Except, I'm not sure it was something painful to that degree. It was more like... I don't know. I think that sentence was a metaphor for something else as well. I dunno, in the dream, I felt I could relate to it more, but rereading that sentence now, I don't know how it makes sense. I just know that in my dream, I really understood it. I'm so sick of being around these people now. It's just... I don't even know anymore.
I don't think changing URLs will do anything, I think I might lock my diary from now on though. I don't know how well I can do this, considering I hate locking my diary. Oh well. I'll let you know what I decide on.