First off, I've been editing some of my old entries again because I want them all edited... and then I'm going to save each entry onto notepad and then I'm going to burn it onto a CD so I'll always have it no matter what happens here on diaryland.
Anyway, in doing so, I've had to reread a lot of the crap that I talked about, mostly about Chris. It pisses me off to read about it because I didn't realize how much he had really affected me. It seemed to me that I had missed and thought about him way more than he deserved and I hate that. He wasn't worth my time at all. And that gets me thinking if one day I'll look back at today and see how blind I am now, because when I read those entries from 2002, I realize how dumb I sound. I look at all the complaints that I talked about and they mean absolutely nothing now. Sometimes, I don't even know what the fuck I was saying. What was my point? Was there even a point? It seemed more like mindless rambling to me.
Yesterday I went out with Eric and I lost control. We drove all the way to City of Industry, which is pretty far. It's close to my old home. This is the second time that we've just done nothing and decided to drive around. I guess none of this would've happened if I didn't miss him so much. We still have our problem of never knowing what to do. The only thing that I want to do with him is to just cuddle and watch a movie. I love being held by him more than anything, but I can't do that because his mom hates me and my mom hates him (as a person/friend). In other words, neither of our moms knows that we're together, or our dads for that matter. But anyway, as you can tell, this creates a problem to my wanting to cuddle and watch a movie at home... (damn, I can't wait to move out).
Anyway, so we ended up going to City of Industry and we ate at Home Town Buffet. We created the biggest mess ever while there. We definitely got our money's worth. There's a picture of our table at my blogspot. If that looks bad to you... it was a lot worse in person. In fact, all the cups with the drinks, had either napkin or food in it. The clam chowder I got... I took about 4 sips before Eric through a napkin in there... Worst of all, I spilled a bunch of pepper while loosening the cap (haha...). You can't see in the picture because I covered it up with a napkin.
Anyway, I kinda got off topic. After we left HTB, we went back to the car, where I had a stomach ache for awhile because I ate too much. Later we started kissing and things were getting a little out of control (nothing too bad though), so I drove us to a dark place as usual and basked in the pleasures of what God calls sin.
However... I was particularly turned on this time. We were just way too close to each other, way more so than usual. Anyway, I really wanted to do it - have sex. I really did, and I think that if he hadn't stopped me, we would've. We didn't have any protection, but I didn't really care, that's how much I was out of it. I guess another reason is because my period ended that day... at least I think it did. My period is very inconsistant near the end, so I can never quite till if I'm over or not until a few days later. Anyway, I didn't think I would be pregnant because of my period... which I realize is really stupid because sperm can live a few days in my uterus.
Lucky he came to his senses, huh? We even talked for a few minutes about going to the gas station (we had passed one by on the way) to buy a condomn, but I think we thought that it involved too much work. I don't know... I forget why we didn't do that. This gets me scared because I've never lost control like that. I don't want to do something stupid like this and get myself pregnant. I always said that I would go on the pill or at the very least a condomn if I do it, but now I understand why people are stupid enough to do it without protection. Can you believe how close, how unbelievably close I was to doing something so stupid? The thought of losing my virginity is always kind of scary, but that former is scarier... in so many ways, on so many levels.
Today was another scary day as well. I invited Eric over because nobody was home except my grandma. My mom went to work, my dad went to the apartment to fix something or... I dunno. My brother had gone to his friend's house. So I invited Eric over and inevitably, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We couldn't do anything in my room... or at least I didn't think it was a good idea because my grandma was across the hall, sleeping. So we moved to my parents room, which I'm not sure if it was an advantage... hmm... Well, anyway, I finished, but he hadn't. I was working on it, but then I heard the door slam and I knew someone was home. We immediately got dressed and as I opened the door to walk back to my room, I noticed that my dad was across from the room that we were at. He didn't notice us walk by, thank god.
That scared me so much though. We went back to my room and we were both in shock for a few minutes. After about 5-10 minutes, I hear another knocking on the door and I realize it's my mom. Do you have any idea how unbelievably dangerous that is? I think that's worse than my getting pregnant. At least if that happened, worst case scenerio, I get an abortion if I don't want the baby, but if my mom had seen us... she would've beat the shit out of Eric, and then me... or both of us together at the same time. I don't know what she would've done, but I know it would've been the worst thing I'd ever have to go through.
I can't believe how stupid I have been lately. I must be the luckiest bitch alive. I'm never doing anything so stupid again... playing with fire... Man, totally fuck that. I'm never going to take such a stupid risk.
Afterwards I took Eric home. After I had been home about an hour or two, I heard my mom started talking about Eric, I think, because she started talking about my prom date last year, K. Remember K? Well, if you don't it's not important. It's just that she started talking about him to my dad. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm sure it has something to do with Eric. Anyway, it just really made me depressed, knowing that my mom wouldn't approve of Eric because he's not up to standard or whatever she calls it. I hate that. Why can't I be with whoever I want to be? She's always said that I could, and now she contradicts it. I know if I told her about Eric, she would be angry. It's better that she doesn't know. I really do want her to be proud of me though. I want her to be happy with me. I just wish she would let me be though. I'm legal now and I want to make my own choices. If I get hurt, that's my choice. She just doesn't realize that. She still sees me as her little girl. I know she does. I can tell in the way she talked about protecting me, saying I needed guidence. It made me wonder what kind of parent I would be when I grow up. Would I be controlling like her? I don't think I would and I wonder if that's a good thing. I just hope that my kids will be able to talk to me about this kind of stuff, not like my parents and I. I don't want to be like my parents at all... I cannot relate to them, in any way and that really depresses me.
Another thing I did think about was about why people can't be with people with different social status. To me, I don't even think that Eric's poor. It's really stupid because my mom often says that we're poor, but we're not... not really... and ironically, Eric's parents make more money (income) than we do, but yet the're poor because of their lifestyle (that and probably cause he has "no manners"). Why are people so traditional? I don't understand. Is it so wrong to be with someone different? I wish my mom could understand that Eric understands me like no one else ever could. She could never see the good that's inside of him, because all she would see is someone that doesn't deserve me because of his appearance and I fucking hate that. I hate her for that. I hate her for being judgmental like that. What a bitch.