I just came back from the supermarket with my mom. I usually never go anywhere with her so I knew that she wanted to talk to me about something, and that something was probably Eric, and so it was. She claims that another reason was because now I know to buy this salted sushi sheets by myself when we run out. Whatever.
She talked to me a little bit about Eric. Mostly that I shouldn't involve too much time and effort in him (as friends) because he's not worth my time or effort. I just thought that was really fucked up. I didn't say anything, and she didn't say it that way, but that's what she was implying. I hate her standards. She talked to me again about what kind of person I'd want to marry and she says that I have to marry someone better than me. She said that I can't even consider someone worse off than me. I know why she says it. She wants me to be well off finicially. She doesn't want me to be stressed all the time like she is. She just doesn't see that I'm not her. I don't want to be her either.
I understand completely what she is saying and it does make sense; it's logical, but it's not what I want, and besides, it's far too late. She reached out to me far too late... because I'm not going to give up Eric based on what she said.
It creeps me out how much a few simple decisions that I have to make will affect me for the rest of my life. I hate to admit it, but everytime I talk to my mom about these kinds of things, my feelings for Eric waver a little. I wonder if I'm making the right choice. I wonder if I'm doing things right. I don't want to feel like that. Now, don't get me wrong, I still definitely can't leave him because I love him too much now, but I just begin to wonder if I'm making the right choice. I began to doubt myself, and I hate doubting myself and Eric doesn't deserve that...
There's also another thing that's been making me feel guilty. I told you that I don't want to be away from him for college. Well, I've been wondering lately what would happen if I had gotten into Northwestern... I'd really doubt it, but what if I do get in? Could I reject them... to be with Eric? And I've been wondering if if I do reject them, would I be able to live that down? Would I be able to live with myself knowing that I could've done so much more but Eric held me back? I hate saying it like that, but that's exactly what it is, isn't it?
I just don't know anymore... I just don't want to regret anything. What am I doing with myself?
Oh yeah. I got rejected from UCLA. I don't care though.