I was listening to a Frank Sinatra song earlier and I was thinking about what kind of like he must've led. I really don't know much about him, but hearing him sing, it makes you feel as if he's had this great life, love and everything else. The way he sounds... so happy. It would be hard to believe that he'd live a life less than that... but I know absolutely nothing about him, and I doubt that he didn't have some troubles to bring him down. I just think that's amazing... how great, pure blissful he can sound, yet he may not be experiencing that. It's kind of like he's lying... but what a great lie.
Earlier, before I fell asleep I was thinking about doing it with Eric. I usually only think about that while I'm with him, but for once that wasn't the case... and I really do want to do it with him. It feels right. Thinking about it, I don't feel scared or afraid... I just think about how great it would be... and that scares me a lot. It's only been 4 months. Doesn't that seem a little soon to you? *Sigh* I just don't know anymore. I've realized that though I really don't want to get pregnant. Well, I know, big duh, but I just mean that before, I didn't want to but I thought, I could get an abortion, but lately I've been thinking about it and I really don't want to resort to that... I know what I would think. I would keep wondering about how that baby would've turned out. Boy or girl? Would he/she look like Eric or me? I'd bet that he/she would be beautiful. Then, even when I'm married and/or have someone else, I'd always wonder what kind of life he/she would lead. I don't know that I could live with a regret like that... but I know I can't have a baby... I think teenage mothers are really brave.
The last thing is that, Ms. Royer asked me to housesit her house again during spring break. This is exciting because it means more time away from home. That probably also means less sleep though because I don't sleep well in an environment outside my house. Well, I'll be working that week, so I'll at least have that to tire me out.
Rereading my incoherent entries from 2002, I'm glad that I'm not like that anymore. I have about 50 more entries to edit, and then I'm done. Rereading it has been a pain because I do not understand half the things I talked about. And some of the things that I was secretive about, I don't remember what I was referring to, with the exception of a few things. I just... I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote those entries. I sounded like such a girly girl. I was everything that I hate in a girl now. I wonder if I realized it then or not. I guess I've changed immensely... more than I thought possible, but that's a good thing. I hate who I was now... and you know what, I really like who I am now. Compared to before, I love who I am now. I may not be able to relate to 90% of the world, but it's okay because when I find that 10% that does understands me, like Eric, it makes it so worthwhile. Without that, I don't think I could go on.
Coldplay has some really good songs. They all really make me want to cry. They make me miss things that I forgot about. Their songs are all so bittersweet.
I guess I'm gonna go now because I have a stomach ache and sleep is the best way to get rid of it.