Ooooh boy. Last night I had a really big fight with Eric about Chris. He thinks that I'm not over him because I think about him. I've realized within the past 24 hours though that, to some degree that's true. I thought it wasn't, but I think I'm wrong.

I've realized that in the back of my head that for a long while... and maybe until today, I've been hoping that Chris would change. I guess in the back of my head, I did want him to go back to who he was because I miss that person. I guess though, the truth of it is, he doesn't really exist. And if he does, Chris could never be that person anymore. The truth is though, that I don't want him to change. I don't think he deserves that much. But most of all, it shouldn't matter to me whether he changes or not. I don't need his friendship or anything from him. I never did. I've just been crazy stupid since who knows how long about this whole thing.

So if by some miracle he does change, I don't care. He's not important to me. He's not a part of my life and you know what, I don't really want him to be. He hasn't ever brought anything to me but pain. Why should I care about someone like that, much less love him? I don't know what I was thinking... I don't love Chris at all. This has been a huge wake up call. I didn't know how much I was still hanging onto him because I hated him so much... because I still haven't forgiven him. Now I see that it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter if I forgive him or not. He just doesn't matter to me anymore.

I've got what I want. I have everything I could ever ask for from Eric... and I'm not gonna ruin that. Fuck Chris. I don't care about him. My heart belongs to Eric. I'm ridding myself of Chris once and for all.