The one main thing you really need to know is Eric and I broke up Monday, on the 28th. I was so devastated. I was talking to him online and I think that I knew that that it was coming just from the quietness from him, like he was looking for a right way or a gentle way to tell me so.
He first said that the reason for the break was because he couldn't picture us together forever. I asked him if he was looking for something that serious. He answered no and then we went off, talking about something else. I was in too much pain to really think of anything he said logically really. Then I asked him again later why we were breaking up and he said it was because how he thought he had felt wasn't truly how he felt. And then I asked him, "so you didn't love me?" And he said, "yes". And I asked again, "you never loved me?" And then he said, "I loved you. I love you. ...but not the same kind of love..."
For some reason, none of this struck me as odd, I didn't really believe him either I guess. I was just too caught up in the fact that we broke up to really think about why we broke up. At the time, I hadn't really realized that his reasoning didn't make sense.
I ended up driving to see him at around 12am in the morning. Danny was also there. Remember Danny? He's pretty much Eric's best friend. As soon as Eric went in the car, he hugged me and then he started crying. Over what I don't know because even when I asked, he didn't know what the answer was. I guess though that, I think I know... or at least, I feel it. We didn't get to say much... in fact, I don't remember the words that were exchanged at all.
Then Danny got in the car. We all sat there, kinda talking, and joking. Then we drew on the windshield and the car door windows because it had started to fog up because it was warm inside and cold outside. Afterwards, we went to Mrs. Royer's and we ate a bit of food. We watched Ice Age... but I had to take off my contacts halfway through the movie (because it was starting to hurt because I'd been wearing them for like more than 15 hours) and after that, the TV was blurry so I stopped watching. While I stared up at the ceiling, Eric noticed me. I was lying on the couch by the way. He comes over and wraps his arms over my legs and he stares at me.
He asked me to go to sleep, but I just couldn't do it because I wasn't tired anymore. I didn't care much for sleep. I just kept staring at the ceiling... and he would stare at me. Every once in awhile, I would look back at him and I could see him looking at me. He would trace my face with his fingertips. Again, he'd tell me to go to sleep, but I said that I couldn't fall asleep unless I slept on my stomach and I couldn't do it on the couch. So I moved to the bed. The bed was cold and I was shivering. I fixed the blanket a little, but it didn't work. Eric came by a few minutes later and fixed the blanket and tucked me in I guess. He laid besides me, on my right and I couldn't look at him and turned my head towards the left.
I don't know what set me off, but I started crying. It wasn't anything too obvious, but he heard me. He kept moving around, trying to see my face. I didn't bother trying to cover it up... I was already pretty covered up by my arms and the pillow anyway. He wiggled around though and eventually saw my face. Then he made this noise. I don't know what it's called at all, but it was one of pain that only comes when your heart is broken. And then he said, "Anna..." in a pleading tone. Pleading what I may not know, but I felt the way he said it.
After awhile I stopped crying and I asked him if he was cold. He said yes and I asked him if he wanted to get under the blanket with me. He said yeah... didn't hold back at all. Then I turned and faced him and I held his hand... and I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was still tired and sleepy, but I had to go to UC Irvine with Jason and Susan that day. I was supposed to be at my house at around 7am so that Jason could pick me up. I woke up around 6:30 and I should've gotten up and gotten ready, but I couldn't. I stared at Eric and the way he looked at me. His face was really close to mine. Our noses touched. And they weren't accidents... not if he does it more than fives times and I respond to it. I think it's called an Eskimo kiss. And every time our lips got close to each other, I would hope that they would touch... and they did a few times. One time in paritcular, it was long. I wonder if he wanted to kiss me as much as I did him. I think he did, because I know I'm not crazy. And he did say to me, "you're still hot." But even though our lips touched, we didn't kiss. And that was just eating me up inside... how much I wanted him, but I couldn't have him. I sat up and I looked at him some more. He then stroked my left cheek. And I asked him, "why are you touching my face?" And after some silence, he said "I don't know." And then I started crying again and he held me tight. I told him how I felt and he just stayed silent. I know he didn't know what to say.
By now it's 7am. I call my mom and tell her about Jason picking me up and she said that he had already left. I rushed Eric and Danny home.
When I got home, Jason was not there anymore. I called Susan and asked Jason to turn around and pick me up and lucky for me he did. He didn't seem too pissed about it, which I'm glad. I know that kinda stuff pisses him off. I briefly explained to Susan and Jason what had happened and I think they were being understanding about it... that's why Jason didn't get angry at me, I think.
Around then, I started to think more clearly about the break up. Why had Eric treated me the way he did if he said that he didn't love me? Nobody has ever looked at me like that, not like the way Eric looks at me. And the truth is, I know that's the exact same way I look at him. That's exactly how I look at him, so if he didn't love me, then I didn't love him either. It just made no sense to me. And then I began to contemplate other ideas as to why we really broke up. I couldn't really come up with anything plausible. Another thought that came to mind was, if he didn't love me now that he could eventually right? That sounds reasonable enough... since he cares about me so much.
I thought about what I would do if he ever asked to be with me again and I thought that I would say no, because in a way, I couldn't picture being with him forever and the break up pain is just so hard. So I thought that I would say no... still I needed to talk to him and find out an answer.
He wasn't online Tuesday night, so I couldn't talk to him. Wednesday morning, I happened to catch him and said that I needed to talk to him. He said that he might be out and that if he could talk, he'd be online. He wasn't online. I was angry and depressed. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, but it just seemed like he blew me off, which probably wasn't the case anyway. Thursday, I leave a message on my away message that I really needed to talk to him or I'd go crazy. He had to go out again but he said that he would be back online. I was angry again. Annoyed... I just felt so stupid... like I was trying at something that wasn't there or didn't exist.
Well, I couldn't sleep so I ended up staying online... next thing you know, it's 2am and Eric signs on. I was surprised but he replied that he said he was gonna come back online. I told him that I really didn't want to talk to him about this online and so we talked about other stuff for a really long time. Most of it was me and my depression. I even at one point made him cry because he was filled with grief over how I was acting. It was bittersweet.
Finally, I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to ask him anything until probably Sunday if I wanted to talk to him about it in person, so I asked him about that night he first told me he loved me. I asked him if it was a lie and he responded no. And then I said that if he didn't love me then it must've been a lie and then he said to me that he didn't know if he loved me or not. And then I said that I knew that he loved me. I could tell he does when he looks at me. He can't just look at me like that and tell me that he doesn't love me. He was still kind of confused about his feelings though. He said that it's true, by the way he acts, it seems like he loves me, but it's more than the way he acts. I told him that he just doesn't see it, but one day he will and he responded with "I know".
Then somehow, I realized why he had broken up with me. He was scared. He thought that everything was too perfect and I was too good to him. He didn't feel like he could handle this and then I began to understand. I asked him if he was guilty and he answered yes. And then I realized that he wasn't ready for a relationship. Not a relationship like ours anyway. He says that he's not ready to be with anyone. Somehow that made it all better. I just couldn't stand the though of him being with someone else. I guess as of now, I'm kind of waiting for him to be ready. It's rather foolish because I don't know how long it would take, but I just feel like he's worth hanging on to. Whatever happens, happens I guess. For now though, I don't have to hurry getting over him. He says he's not going to get with anyone soon, so I don't even have to be jealous or heartbroken.
I asked him if he thought we'd ever be together again and he said "yeah, I do" and they were the most beautiful words I had heard.
I know I shouldn't hang on to this foolish hope, but I cannot help it because I still want to be with him so much. I hope he knows that. I will be talking to him about this still because I think I still have some questions, but the main ones were answered. Maybe another time in the future when he's ready.