I finally did IM Eric Sunday night, but he had to go as soon as I IMed him because he was gonna start on his research paper. That really made me sad and depressed because I was already feeling like shit from my mom. She keeps asking me about UCLA and I wish she could see that I don't want to go there. I think it's overrated.
Monday, it didn't go so well either. I was depressed most of the day, kinda happy at times with friends, but when I got in the car with Eric, I was quiet. If Eric noticed, he didn't say anything, although I am sure that he did notice. I guess that's how it's always been though. Even when I was sad before, we would just kinda let it ride out. We hugged a sad, long meaningful while. Then he walked off and I whimped out and didn't say anything and I swear that I had a whole speeched planned out... I think.
Then sometime during the evening, my head kinda snapped (mentally) and I was wondering why I had thought we were slipping away. And all of a sudden the bad thoughts that I had before, it all went away. Yeah, I don't know how that works either, but that's just the way I am. So I talked to Eric on and off till about 9pm (because he had to finish his paper).
Today was a lot better as well. I was happy for the most part. I talked to Eric on the ride home... not about anything important. The hug was short and I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie tomorrow and he said okay. Now, I feel like I'm clinging to this movie tomorrow way more than I should and that's not good if he disappoints me... which I fear as well. I just feel like if he breaks this he'll be saying he doesn't really care all that much about me... or spending time with me. Or I'm unimportant to him... I don't know. It's like this one answer, answers everything else... so I don't want him to fuck up, I guess...
Today's evening... pretty decent for the most part. I was watching A Cinderella Story. It was kind of stupid really, but the end where they kissed, it made me miss Eric a lot. And that's another thing. Does Eric even miss me? Like I miss him? It doesn't seem like it... Then I watched Garden State, which isn't bad at all. It makes me wonder if I want to lose my emotions. The happy ending put another break in my heart. After that I came back online to find a message from Eric, that the shirts had arrived... the shirts I helped him pick out about 3 weeks ago... and one of them is for me. I was away though at the time so yeah... After I responded cool, he didn't answer until about 10 minutes later and then he said quickly, "yeah, ok, I'm going to sleep now," said bye and left. It seemed like he was upset about something... from the way he said "yeah, okay." I know it's crazy, but I can just kinda tell about these things and I wonder what had upset him. And I guess I would've asked, but somehow I doubted that I could make him feel better.
Then I got depressed again. Now, I'm just tired... I'm so tired of this analyzing crap. I'm going to be away from him for 3 days because of calculus camp, and believe me, this is gonna be hard. How the hell is he going to leave my head? I'm leaving Thursday, and that's why I wanted to see a movie with Eric tomorrow because I wanted to hang out with him before I left. I think I still need to talk to him and clear a lot of things up.
I'm not over him. I'm so far from being over him. I still think about him and miss him. Sometimes, I still want him to hold me and I still want to kiss him and everything else we did. Not being with him is driving me crazy because this time I know that he's not mine. I cannot smile anymore, like I used to, because he's not mine. And I wonder if he misses me in this way at all, or is it just me? I wish he could see how this is totally eating me alive... because it seems like he's doing so fine. I just need his real thoughts on all of this. Am I crazy?