So it's been past a month since Eric and I broke up. On the 17th of this month, which was supposed to be our 5th month together, I had forgotten about it until the next day... which made me feel good in a way, but I wasn't completely surprised because even when we were together, I'd sometimes forget until the next day... we never really celebrated it. I guess it's because we never had a definite date that we got together... The 28th, which was two days ago, was the one month of our break up and I hadn't realized it until the next day as well. For some reason the mark of the one month was really scary for me. I don't know why... but thinking that we've been broken up for over month, that scares me. It's been a really long and scary month... probably one of the worst ones of my life.
And I can tell because it went by fast. Months only goes by fast like this when I'm depressed, because I'm too focused on things happening around me to really think about the days passing by.
I've done a lot of things I'm not very proud of this month.
The second week of this month, I found out from a friend of mine that Eric was going to prom with Vivian which really set me off to a bad spot. (Although I later found out that Eric wasn't sure then and he didn't want to tell me until he was sure... but that wasn't the message that Vivian got...) And for those few days, I was really depressed. I don't know... I guess, I still wanted to go to prom with Eric, even as friends. Eric thought that that was a bad idea though, because I might get ideas in my head that he wanted to get back together which was not his intentions. He said that it would be bad because he wanted me to get over him but instead just managed to crush my heart even more. But I understand though, I really put him in some position. Nobody's to blame really.
That day, I went over to Danny's (Eric's good friend Danny) house and we hung out and talked. I ended up cutting myself when he wasn't looking and... it's not something I'm proud of. I've been frustrated every now and then, but I haven't cut myself since that day. I'm slowly getting better again, I know so. Danny told me to behave and I gave up trying to do otherwise. I went home and I talked to Eric and I also tried to fix the thoughts in my head. Danny, Eric and Zuri all think that I need serious help... like I need to see a psychiatrist. I really thought I did too. I just can't handle my heart being broken very well I guess.
I talked to my counselor and she said that she'll talk to the school psychology teacher and see what she can do and get back to me. That was Thursday... so I don't know what will happen yet. I don't want to tell my mom because then I will have to tell her about Eric and I really can't stand the thought of telling her that we broke up and I went crazy because of him (which is not really the case anyway... he was only what set me off, but that's what she will think). I don't want her to think that I'm sad, because I'm not, not anymore. I just get some really bad days now... a lot of bad days, where I just really hate people. I'm over the whole not going to prom with Eric thing, I am... but then why do I still hate Vivian so? It's not really even hate... I just can't stand being around her. I don't know... it's hard to explain. And I also don't like this other girl that I won't name and I really have no reason to dislike her, but I do... And I hate that. Why can't I control my feelings? I mean, if the feelings were at least reasonable, I would understand, but they're not. They make absolutely no sense. I just get these crazy thoughts in my head and they start to build until something big happens. That's my whole life story though isn't it? Because I've been building this whole time, and that something big has finally happened.
In the past week... in particular this one, I've learned to let Eric go a little. I know I'm not over him, but it's kind of as if I've spilt Eric into two people. The one I was with and loved and the Eric I am friends with and love as a friend. When I'm with Eric, I don't really think about our past. I only see this friendship side to everything and I love being with him as a friend... though I think I get jealous when certain girls are around him... (I'm really trying to let that go), but when Eric's not around, I think about the fun things that we did, places we visted, things he did that was really sweet and made me smile. I'm slowly getting better though, I can tell.
When I hear songs on winamp or the radio, I don't really think about him... and before all the songs seemed to remind me of him. The only one that will always remind me of him now is "Eight Days A Week" by The Beatles, and I don't think I could ever fix or change that, but that's okay though. One song is better than many.
Sometimes, I still have overwhelming feelings to be best friends with Eric. Sometimes, I have this need like he needs to be my best friend... I just want it so badly. Eric may not say it, because he's not the sentimental kind of guy, but I know Eric still cares about me deeply and he considers me a really good friend... and I only know this becaues on the ride home Wednesday, I was crying because I was worried I wouldn't pass AP calculus with a 4. I was away and he IMed me.
Eric (4:16:34 PM): I'm sorry if I can't sympathize with you
Auto-response from darkangelz5 (4:16:34 PM): *sigh* life is just one big battle after another.
-->gone out.
Eric (4:16:56 PM): but I don't think that's anything to cry about
Eric (4:16:59 PM): in any way
Eric (4:17:11 PM): most of the people I know are struggling and wish they could get a passing grade
Eric (4:17:30 PM): and you're crying about not getting a 4 on some practice tests..
Eric (4:17:48 PM): at least you can pass
Eric (4:18:02 PM): and how you said I could probably do better than you on the multiple choice
Eric (4:18:06 PM): if I had taken it
Eric (4:18:07 PM): guess what
Eric (4:18:09 PM): I didn't
Eric (4:18:10 PM): and I won't
Eric (4:18:17 PM): I never will have calculus
Eric (4:18:20 PM): in high school
Eric (4:18:28 PM): and there's a reason for that
Eric (4:18:34 PM): but I don't sit and cry about it
Eric (4:18:52 PM): passing an AP calculus BC test
Eric (4:18:54 PM): is nothing to cry about
Eric (4:19:09 PM): bye
Eric (5:47:05 PM): I'm sorry that I can't make you feel better about that..
Auto-response from darkangelz5 (5:47:05 PM): *sigh* life is just one big battle after another.
-->gone out.
Eric (5:47:09 PM): I really am..
Eric (5:47:10 PM): ah
Eric (5:47:27 PM): :(
Eric (5:47:34 PM): you're such a good friend to me too..
Eric (5:47:38 PM): I'm sorry..
That's the first time anything slightly emotional came out of him since around the time I found out about him going to prom with Vivian. I remember how I felt that day because I knew how he felt about me crying about this... that I was being silly and stupid because I could at least get a 3. I mean, is it so wrong to want a 4? I understand though that it's also with a combination of the fact that he hates seeing me hurt. Or at least, I'd like to think so. He just can't relate to me in this situation. I feel like I deserve this 4. I worked hard for it and I know I can get it and if I didn't... I'd feel like I disappointed myself like I did getting that 3 for chem last year. If you can get a higher score, why shouldn't you want it?
When he left the car, he didn't say much. A few words. I forget what they were. And I guess I wondered why I was friends with someone like that for a second. Why are you criticizing me for crying? You're not my mom. My mom does that. If you're really my friend, shouldn't you comfort me despite whatever stupid thing I'm crying about? Why can't you just pretend to understand and make me feel better? I don't want to be told I'm wrong when I'm crying.
Eric's last some comments made me feel better. I think he realized that he was being a little harsh me but he just didn't know how to handle me. I do believe that he understands me, but he just doesn't know what to do with his knowledge. I think he's scared that anything he says will turn out more than it means and anything negative turns out to be more degrading than what he means. I don't blame him for that though, that's probably my fault for being on such extremes. I need to calm down my emotions... that's one of the reasons I need to get help.
You know, in the past month, I've really learned to balance myself a little more. I just try to ignore or not think about what's going on. I wonder if maybe in a way that diaryland was a bit detrimental to me, because it caused me to think more than what's good for me? Like this whole entry for example, I hadn't thought about most of this stuff after it happened, but now I'm bringing it all back and starting to bulid feelings... I'm really doing a lot better though. I can put my feelings aside and not think about events and put too much thought into it. Life is so much simpler this way. I don't make a drama out of every tiny thing. This must be healthier for me, emotionally. Right?
Anyway... my new motto: just let it go.