Isn't it also funny how things change so fast? This morning, I remember I was having some kind of dream of Chris... it made absolutely no sense, and I only remember parts of it... yet it didn't really matter... it was just that the fact that he was there... and I opened my eyes and I knew it wasn't real, just a figment thought of the mind. So then I close my eyes, trying to go back to the dream... I mean, if I can't be with him in person, I can at least be with him in dreams right? Well, I think to myself... damn, I miss Chris and for once, I didn't care if I seemed obsessive or desperate or whatever word you want to use. I just think why can't he be right here, now? and I try to let it go thinking, soon enough... and I go back to the dream... or at least I try. I sigh as I realize that I'm not going back and I should just get up, because I saw the signs.
This time around, it was different. This time, it wasn't about getting with Chris... or even kissing him (cause that's fun), it was more about trying to connect on a deeper level. I was just trying to know him, get to know him... what kind of person he was. I don't know why I don't trust him... it doesn't make any sense, in my mind... I know Chris wouldn't do anything to me... in the past, I've always pushed my luck with him... like if he told me to do something and I purposely didn't do what he told me to do... I guess I just didn't want to push my luck... I was trying to be cautious of what I was doing, but to a point where I'm doubting? I think that's a little far... plus, Chris wouldn't do something to me even when I pushed my luck, and look... I just said it: "Chris wouldn't do anything," but for some reason, even as I say those words... I think it's like... Chris is giving up so much for me, that his friends don't agree to it... and I'm scared of what he's friends are going to do to me... but that has no logic either, because Chris can control his friends. Then of course, there's the thought that maybe through all this, I'm just scared of getting hurt... I think that's it... yeah... that's it. I'm scared that something like that day at Chris's grandma's house will happen again. And I'm too scared of getting hurt this time around. I've been scared this whole time, because all this time I've been secretive. Secretly, I don't want to be hurt. Secretly, I don't want other people to know I'm hurt... and secretly, I don't want the person that hurt me to know I've been hurt. Secretly, I don't want you to know how I really feel about anyone... secretly, I guess I'm still hurt. Some part of me let it go... but another part of me can't seem to fully forgive... or forget. Now, I'm not sure what exactly who I need to forgive... or what the exact reason is in that part... maybe I just need you to tell me that it'll never happen again. I don't want to be hurt again. I feel bad about myself as it is... sometimes I wonder what I ever did to you to get me to deserve all this. Things I wanted to go right never went right, things I never cared about went right anyway...
I'm just trying to figure this out... I just wish someone would say, "you're safe with me... I'll never ever hurt you... I'll always be here to listen to you. I'll always love you. I'll do anything for you..." and actually mean it... be able to promise it... with their life, that they are so sure that they would never hurt me. Then... I would trust them. I would never doubt them. I would love them back. I would always be there and I would never ever hurt them either, but then... if I can't promise them that ... then how do I expect them to promise me that back? I can't say that I will never hurt you. I might without meaning to... so maybe, I shouldn't be waiting for that response... maybe I should just try to fix myself so that I can get over this hurting thing, know that the pain is unavoidable... feel that pain is unavoidable... but mostly: accept that pain is unavoidable.
When Chris said he loved me... that was... surprising. I admit that I've thought about if I do love Chris... but I never answered it... just a question there I never answered. Love has not exactly been on my side and I never questioned if other people loved me or not, but I've question whether I love other people. In all my life, there's not many people whom I loved, and whom I actually love right now. I can count whom I love for sure with one hand and the only person is Nancy. I'm not sure if I'd even love my family. People take love for granted all too often and I can't stand that. I don't want to be one of those people that go about saying "I love you" without actually stopping to think what love really means. Love is big... and I want to consider what love is. Love is such a strong emotion and it can't be defined with one word. Well actually I think I'll look it up... the dictionary says:
1.A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2.An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
3.A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
4.A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; pre["e]minent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness; as, the love of brothers and sisters.
If that's what love is, I'd already love a lot of people, including Chris, but I just don't see it as that. For some reason, if I saw it as that, I'd think that love is taken for granted. How about tomorrow if I just go around telling all these people that I love them? I don't think so... for one thing I'd sound like a fucking fag. God, I'd be annoying. So I've thought of definitions of my own. Love is when you trust someone with their life, when you care about them continuously, when you think about them all the time, when you can't get through the day without even saying hi to them, when you feel like it's been a whole week that you haven't talked to them, when it's only been a day, when you would do anything for them, when you mess up, they forgive you, vice versa, when you cry, they won't tell you to quit whining, but to let you cry, because they know better, when you would give up anything for them, when you can't live without them, when you'd rather suffer just to make them happy even if they hate you, to know that they are at their best even with your self suffering, when you never give up on them, when you are stupid, they don't laugh at you, but be stupid with you, when you would buy them things, even when $10 is all you have left (because you don't know how, but somehow you got the money), when you would die for them, no questions asked, all this and more. That's what love is. Love is the little things and the big things. The question still remains... do I love Chris? Yeah, I think I do. Just because all of the above is true... even though there's more to it. Maybe I define love too complicated and too long, but I guess that's just how I think. But certain people's definition can't always follow mine. I mean, if you were in jail or something you can't follow the someone you would die for rule because your life is not worth living anyway. Not even Jason I would die for, even when I liked him! It's funny, they say love conquers all. I never believed that... because it didn't work for me in the past. I'd like to believe that that is true... for once... I wish that something would work the way I want it to... if I ever lost Chris... it would be like losing Nancy, wouldn't it? God... life is pointless if I lost Nancy... I wouldn't find the meaning to go on... I do love Chris. I mean... not even in the way where he die or something, but if he hated me... or didn't talk to me... Chris hating me was some of the worse times for me to get through. I don't think I can handle it... I don't think I want to think about it. Life without Chris is just as meaningless as life without Nancy... hmmm... only 2 people that really matter most in my life... it's a start... I need to move on. The hurting is always going to be there. I need to look beyond it and grab hold of the love. Love makes the pain worthwhile. I never thought about it... but that's true. I would hurt myself a million times (without minding), as long as I knew that you were still there, loving me.
*EveN DeepeR*