I don't even really want to discuss the whole thing. I'll just briefly go over it and describe how I feel.
Today really redefined my priorities. I've gotten advice from a friend recently named Mick and it was that as long as I believe I'm happy then I can be. I convince myself of things and I believe it. Mick has been pointing out that I should create a list of things I like in a guy and try to follow that as much as I can... and it was around then that I realized that Eric didn't fit that category at all. He really didn't meet up to a lot of the things I wanted or expected. It's been about 2-3 weeks since Mick gave me this advice and I've been doing a lot better ever since. I'm happy every day no matter what's happening around me. I really don't want to stress about anything anymore.
Anyway, today a lot of things happened. I think that Vivian and Eric may be together. Yep, I think they may have gotten together. I guess I honestly don't care anymore for many reasons. Besides the fact that I've realized Eric is all wrong for me, there's the fact that this is Eric. I'm sure he'll fuck it up like he did with me. I guess that's mean, but that's how I feel. Um, another thing is I still don't like Vivian, but I don't really care. Who knows what'll happen. I know that I should be angry and maybe I am deep down somewhere but I don't really realize it, but I really don't want Eric to stand in the way of my happiness. I realize now that no one should stand in my way of that.
But most of all, this is why I don't care. Today, I hung out with Danny and watched a movie called Jacket, which was really good by the way. We talked a lot about life and what's been going on. He says that he's mad at Eric because he doesn't tell him things anymore. He added that their friendship kinda stopped after Eric and I broke up. Anyway, he went on to say a lot of other things and I realized many things about Eric.
He is so contradictory that it pisses me off. He treats Danny like shit when he's with his other friends, but when Eric and I used to talk, he used to tell me how much he cared about Danny and how he meant the world to him and crap. He never ever stands up for the people he cares about. He just kinda stands there and hears the shit and doesn't do anything about it. That really pisses me off. It's so true. Whenever he's hanging out with other people, he's always making fun of people... laughing at them, and that's his friend... What the fuck? He just expects the other person to be cool with it... but somehow sometimes when it's the other way around, he's not cool with it. I don't know. I just don't get it. He's such a hypocrisy. Maybe Eric and I were soul mates at one time, but now I really don't want him to be. Why would I want to relate to someone like that?
It's so true. When Eric and I were alone, he treated me like the world, but when there was other people around, I felt like I didn't exist. Maybe he doesn't realize that he even did it, I don't know what it is. I just know that Eric isn't anything I wanted in a boyfriend. The only thing he ever had going for him was his looks. He was always in my eyes, fucking hot, but now that I realize this about him, he doesn't seem so beautiful like I thought him before. I don't know what it is. Eric's all wrong for me. And I'm glad I can finally see that. I don't ever want to get back together with him.
I think I'm done talking about Eric from now on, at least I hope so. Talking about him is annoying.
Maybe I should be angry because he's going out with Vivian... after he said that he wouldn't go out with anyone for awhile. Wow, what a fucking liar. You know, that's another thing. I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I wonder if he lies to me... to like protect me. Like the fact that he didn't say if he and Vivian are together. I wonder if he lies to me to protect me, because I so do not need his fucking protection. I can take care of myself. I don't know, I just don't completely trust him anymore. The truth is I don't know him anymore. I may know what he's like I guess. And I guess, at one point I knew who he was, but things are different now. Damn hypocrit. Man I kinda wish Zuri was around so I could complain about this because this is really fucked up. I guess... I want the world to see how fucked up Eric is, because I think I am mad at him right now... No, I'm sure I am. I wish that the whole world could see that Eric's not all that... not like the way that everyone makes him out to be, not like the way I saw him before.
I guess he was an asshole after all. I can't believe I defended him. I'm tired of being so blind like this.
I used to kind of look up to him because he was different... and funny, and I prided myself because I knew him and I wanted to be more like him, now I don't feel that way at all. I guess I'm really starting to build the hatred now, I don't know if this is a good thing. Having any kind of feelings toward Eric isn't a good thing, because that means I care too deeply.
On an entirely different note, I may get together with Mick. I'm a little worried that maybe I'm getting with him but I'm not really over Eric. Or that I'm only getting with Mick to solve my problems of loneliness. I won't deny it though. I hate loneliness. I really don't handle it well. If I don't marry, I'll shoot myself.
Alright, that's all for now.