Nobody seems to update on here anymore with the exception of a few people I guess. I finally realized why I don't like writing in here. It reminds me a lot of the days when I couldn't speak out and couldn't talk to anyone and I suffered my depressive state all to myself. Things aren't like that anymore, and I get scared that once I fully start to open myself up in here again, I'll get like that.

I think I might see Paul tomorrow which kinda scares me. I dunno if my feelings will still be the same. To be honest, I haven't really had that giddy feeling of being with someone anymore. I haven't felt that way since like the day we spent together and I'm not sure if I'll still like him when I see him tomorrow... but I'm an awful pretender and if I don't like him, I'm afraid that I can't even pretend that everything's fine and when I break up, I'll break his heart. I dunno. I worry too much, but I doubt it's not for a good reason. Oh well, either way, I'll have melee tomorrow if I do go see him so that should ease the tension somewhat.

I think this is the first time I'm in a relationship where I don't feel giddy about the person I'm with. It doesn't even really feel like I'm in a relationship... Am I cheating him out of the real thing? I know he feels it though by the way he talks to me... He tells me how he feels and all that... it makes me feel guilty. What else is that, I'm already pretty sure that I will break up with him when school starts. I really don't want a long distance relationship and he lives quite a bit away. Not as far as Rick or anything, but far enough... especially if I will be at Irvine, that will make the distance farther. And anyway, I don't really think that I feel anything with this guy. I dunno, I'll see tomorrow... but it seems like since I've been away from his presence for so long, I've lost meaning for him. I'll figure it out tomorrow.

Good day and good grief.