I feel really unhappy with my life. I don't even know why. I've been thinking about how things used to be and how things are now. How I've changed and how other people have changed. And I've come up with nothing. I don't know anything anymore and I'm in slipping into depression again. I took an algebra test today that I think I did really well on, but I don't really care. I mean, this is algebra class, remember this entry? Yep, I could barely get a B on a test, much less an A, and I think, I got one this time. Maybe, but I don't want to jinx it. I did my English presentation and I wasn't nervous at all. I guess it was because I didn't care how I was gonna do. I just thought, "screw it." Chris said I should just be happy. Oh, Chris, if I really could just be happy.
You have no idea how hard it is to be me. I'm not saying that you guys don't have hard lives, I'm just saying mines is just as bad if not worse. I am the girl that tries hard at everything, that tries to see the best in everything, the person trying her best to please other people, yet I get nothing back. My life is filled with utter crap. The people that care about me, I can't open up to them. The people that care about me but don't show it, I don't know how to make them show it, and the people that care about me and I know can cheer me up, I don't know how to talk to them. I'm pathetic, don't you think? I am so unhappy with where I'm at. This is all part of the cycle I go through. I hate it. It's crap. I need to get my thoughts together, but I don't know how. I'm feeling way more than I should. The ironic thing about all this? I feel like Chris has known all along this was gonna happen... standing there... watching... waiting for it to happen... letting me now I'm about to break... so he can be there to tell me that he cares... at the time I feel like I need someone the most. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Any ideas?