I've just gotten reviewed and got my lowest score yet: 75%. Reviewers have been saying that I don't put enough emotion. Now I get it, well for me I do. You can't expect me to put raw emotion every time in here, do you want me to be one of those people that want to die and kill themselves and cut themselves and etc. 'Cause being a reviewer I found that the only people who write raw emotion in every single entry are those that want to die. And they always talk about the same fucking thing every single day, "oh I wanna kill myself" and "Oh yeah, my life's not worthing living." I mean, if I was like that every single fucking day, doesn't it seem like then that I'm just craving for attention, and even I, who always want attention, DON'T do that! I mean, that's just BS! You know, I always try to please everybody, but I guess you go to a point where it's just like everyone wants the oppsite and you're not gonna be able to make everyone happy, and then it's time to make your own choice.

I've been feeling really pressured by my friends lately. No - not into doing drugs or anything. I don't care for drugs. It's stupid. I feel pressured because I have to work weekends and I don't have much time for my friends. Envy/jealousy is among one of my many vice. I have a hard time not getting jealous over certain things and there's a lot that I wouldn't admit to. There is one entry on my diary that I've written during the summer, that I never read, because... well, I don't know why exactly, but I don't read it. That entry is entitled just paranoia?. I think I'll just read it now. Well, here's the final truth.

It's not just that I don't feel like I add up to nothing. It's that I feel like I can't compete to Nancy. It's hard for me to truely accept that Nancy is naturally smarter than me, because I have a huge competitive nature... in everything! Not just the knowledge, but guys, friends, everything! This obsession to be better than her stresses me out a lot. One of the biggest one that I've held inside is that I have never scored better than her on a math test. Though this jealousy doesn't really come up anymore, I've never forgotten it. If we're on a easy chapter, she thinks it's easy too and winds up getting a higher grade then me, if it's a hard chapter, she finds it hard too, but she still manages to get a better grade than I. I hate it, but I've accepted this for awhile.

The one thing that's really killing me, that's really eating at me, the one thing that makes me want to cry is the feeling of isolation from my friends. I feel that nobody is there for me, nor cares for me. Well, none of my close friends. And in my group of close friends, I only feel that Andre is truely there for me. He's someone I can turn too. I just don't know how. Besides Nancy, I feel like June, and Sophia doesn't care. Jaclyn is alright and I can't say anything for Angela, because she's not really my close friend. I guess in a way, I'm really disappointed. I feel like people abandonded me. I mean it's not like everyone has, I know that Chris will be here if I need to talk (never thought I'd say that after all we've been through), and I know Sarah (my chem buddy) would be there for me. I mean there are tons of people I could list on that would help me through it all. But the thing is, they're not who I want to help me through this. I guess my love for the Reyes' killed myself because they couldn't meet up to the standards that I saw them in. I use to love talking to June and enjoy making her laugh and stuff, but now I just don't find the energy to do that. Not just that, but due to the fact that Mr. Allen has found himself new pets (the Reyes'), I feel like he doesn't pay enough attention to me now. He picks on June the most and I guess I'm jealous of that too. Sophia hasn't done anything wrong either, mind you. It's just that she hasn't done anything right. I don't feel any closer to her than before. Jaclyn, I feel like she's the only one that's still a "good" Reyes. I guess it could be because of the fact that Jaclyn is not even in our 4th period class, so she only practices with us after school or in the morning or something. I guess all in all... I feel jealous, sad, and isolated because I feel left out. And the worst part is, no one notices that I feel this way.

I'm tired of feeling this way. Today, Sophia was going to tell Mr. Allen something about hitting a volleyball on a window and nearly cracking it or something. From what I comprehend, I think Nancy was there at the time. And the first thing that came to mind was: When did this happen? Why didn't I know about it? And it made me extremely sad. I felt like I didn't know them anymore. I'm losing my bond with Nancy too. Part of the problem is that we don't talk. Another part is that I don't feel "right" with her anymore. And another part of the reason is that neither of us are trying, but the main part is that we think differently now.

This insane feeling of jealousy is only growing stronger. I feel like everyone's doing things without me and leaving me out. Like they don't care. Maybe it's because they know I can't go anyway. All I know is, money is nothing if you don't have your friends to hang out with.

They make plans without me. They go places without me. What happened, I don't know. And when they do tell me, I only hear bits and pieces of it. And it always leaves me hanging.

I keep thinking if I did something wrong. Like there was something I didn't do right or something I didn't say. Or maybe some kind of gesture that I was supposed to give but didn't. I don't feel any bond with Nancy, June, or Sophia. I don't feel any happiness from them. I don't feel any warmth, love... nothing. I feel like they don't really care. Like I'm just another toy in their pile of toys.

I've never felt this let down by friends before. It's not hard to win me on my standards, because my standards are low. The only thing I ever expected from close friends is that I stay close. I expect them to tell me things that happened, and etc. But they don't do that anymore. I'm not sure about June or Sophia, but I know Nancy doesn't do that.

I know it's going to be a lot harder to trust now. The most hurtful thing so far... well it was today. When Nancy was holding this pretty notebook and I wanted to see it. But when I made a reach for it, she shook her hand no. That's never happened before as far as I remember. I got to thinking about what could possibliy be so great or secretive about that notebook that she can't share it with me. Yet, it didn't hurt me. What would've normally hurt me did not. In fact, I just felt numb.

Of all the depression I've experience, this is by far the worst yet. Because, besides family, friends are all you've got left.