I'm never up at this early in the morning, especially since I was up all night reading an interesting book. I finished it, and I have no idea how long it was. Probably about 200-300 pages. I just can't stand dealing with my own life so I'd rather read about another life in a book, at least they have happy endings. Speaking of stories, I finially posted another part at creativitly.

I thought about what Stacey said, and she's right. I do run too many things. I guess it wouldn't be bad at all to share HTML problems. I guess I could run the other things better. Sometimes, I forget that I run revuarevu at all, 'cause I almost never update it. I hardly ever see anyone write an entry in it.

I just had the most disturbing dream about Chris. He said he wanted me back. I said, well, not very kind things and told him to basically go back to her (Alyssa). Then he mentioned something about how we've been apart for the last few months. I'm not sure if he said he missed me... or what... Then he tried to kiss me, but I closed my mouth firmly. I didn't push him away, even if I did closed my mouth. He even tried to tongue me, but I refused. I think he was disappointed. Then he said some other stuff about how great it would be being back together, and I also started to believe him. I guess the dream is kind of a wake up call. No matter how much I despise Chris for all he did, but in my heart NEC (slang page) will always be there. I still love him, you know... It was so hard for me, not to give in to that kiss. It was a good thing I couldn't smell his scent... For some reason, I've never forgotten Chris's scent. I think that's my weak point with him. If this happened for real, I'm not sure I could resist him, and that's what scares me, because in the dream, I remember thinking about giving in, being in love with him again, being happy to have someone to hold and be held, because all I could see was NEC, not who he really was, not who he is now. But I know it wasn't real. He's not the Chris I know. I was so devastated in a way. I'm glad I resisted, but I don't know if I could've in real life.

There were other parts in the dream. Like the fact that I had a stranger for a dad, and he saw Chris make that move on me. My room was colored light purple. My old CD player was back, I had a new table with an iMac looking laptop, but it was windows of some sort. I was going to download AIM and MSN messenger. MSN, mostly to talk to Jeff. Everything was so neatly placed, not at all like my room right now. Not at all.

Before all this though... I was talking to Mike. I told him something, but I can't remember what, but it was something really sad. And it hurt me a lot. I'm pretty sure it was about Chris or Jeff. I wish I remember which. Not much else I can say about the dream.

I can still remember Jeff's letter. He'd always call me perfect, and even that was not enough for him to describe me with. He'd say that there were no perfect words to describe my perfection. At the time, it really made me smile, but I was a little girl in love. I didn't realize how hard it would be. I never realized how hard it would be for him. He was more deeply in love than I probably was. It scares me sometimes, that I have that kind of power. That power to hurt someone. I don't like it. I don't want to hurt anyone...

I'm so tired of my past. I said not to reminisce this year, but I've digged up just about my entire past... *sigh*

I'm going to be gone for the day. I can't think straight anymore. I need to clean my room, then maybe I wont feel so much like crap... like a worthless piece of crap. I feel so bad now, knowing I might not be able to resist Chris. I'm just like this, so willing to give people chances. I never see the bad in anyone... only myself.

The past is the past, but I wish my past wasn't mine. My past feels so foreign to me. All I know is the present, and that's not much better with the way I'm feeling right now, but it's okay... I need some time to get organized. Not just my thoughts, but everything else too.