I don't know why I'm writing this as it's more of a personal thing... but it's an impulse and it's my diary so I'll do what I want. Jeff just tells me that I was right and that he was scared. I wonder if he read this entry, if he did, that explains in the first place how he knew that I thought he was scared. I know he's still not ready. And to be honest, now I've gotten through the whole stage, I don't want to be in a relationship with him, not when we're so far away, because I've realized that he's unstable like this when we're far away. And I don't like it when he's unstable. I don't understand why he's making it so hard.

I am completely honest when I say I'm very much sick of guys. Because so far, I haven't gotten that happily-ever-after crap that I want to get, all I've gotten is that stupid smitten-love type feeling and I hate it because the happiness is caused by someone else and not me and also because the feeling never lasts for long. And guys, on another level, is why I'm so bitter in the first place.

I'm just so sick of it, why can't things be? It's as I've always said, "if we're meant to be we'll end up together." The world doesn't contain any coincidences. So I've already given up on everything, and I'm just going to let things be.

Sometimes I hate myself for letting things get to me like this, and I can't take it because I can't stand who I've become. I can't wait to get out of here because I haven't been getting along with my parents again.

My mom's constantly calling me lazy ... but the thing that really bothers me is that she calls me cold-hearted. She constantly says that I have no sympathy towards anybody nor do I have any compassion, and that probably gets to me most of all. I used to believe that that wasn't true, then I thought it was, but now I am confused and I'm unsure what it really is. I probably definately do appear unsympathic towards the people in my family. My mom constantly says that I never smile and I behaved so much better when I was younger.

She was yelling all this crap about me to my dad yesterday while I was on the computer and she knew that I could hear all of it. I get so sick and tired of hearing it because I know she's saying it in my face so that I'll change (it's a Chinese thing), but she's done it so many times. It doesn't make me want to change, it only hurts me.

She also constantly says that I'm not amiable and because of this I'm not gonna make a lot of friends and blah blah. When it comes down to it, I don't care about being amiable, I care about doing what I want and being however I want to be. What happened to freedom of speech? Or expression in this case? But she says that because I am this way, it's going to be an disadvantage towards me. I just hate pretending that's all. Why do I have to look happy? Why does life have to be about pretending to be something? I wish my mom could understand that, but I know better than to say this crap.

There's too much tension going on between us. I can't wait for her to go back to China the next following weeks.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you but my grandpa died Oct 11, that's why my mom's gonig back to China. She's planning to move grandma here. I'm less than happy about this, because grandma is quite the complainer and very grumpy. It's cruel to think this way about her, but it's just the way I feel and I know that if I told my mom something like this she'd never understand. She doesn't understand me at all. My thoughts are all too weird for normal people.