I did something that I'm less than pleased about with myself. I talked to Jeff yesterday (although that's not what's unpleasing). Yes, the first love, first boyfriend, Jeff that lives in London. He found my livejournal and I found a comment there today from him and I just read his livejournal. Some of the stuff he wrote, it's so bittersweet, it really is. It makes me smile, yet it makes me wanna cry. The truth is that, I still love him deeply, not in the same with Eric, of course, but it's there. It's hard to explain. If you've had a first love, then you should know what I'm talking about. This entry is about me and so is this one. The entry he read, I'm guessing, is this one and I think that it really sucks that he had to learn about Eric and I that way. I can only imagine how much that had hurt him. Reading about all those things he said, it just... it brought back a lot of old memories and feelings. And then I accidentally revisted an old letter he wrote me at our diaryx and this is what it said:

Friday night, I was talking to a friend online, and we were talking about us being single, and she said, "You just haven't met the one yet" and yet when she wrote that, I thought, "I already have"; I'm so sure that it was you, scrap that, IS you, but I know that the chance has gone now. You've got other guys who are nearer to you, who are closer to you, and who are better than me. I'm just lucky that I fell in love with you at all. That I knew you at all.

I know you've moved on from me, I should have moved on too, but I don't know what to think. I would so love to be there for you, as someone who cares for you, someone you could turn to if all else fails, someone you could trust. But I can't be there, no matter how hard I try and I'm sorry I can't just come round to cheer you up, or give you a hug to make you feel better. But I'm trying my hardest to be a friend to you to the best I possibly can, to try and look out for you. I know I haven't called, to be honest, I didn't think that there'd be much of conversation between us, plus, even when I have called, you're either out, or you're busy when you pick up... but at least you were happy when I called. I dunno about how you've been now, maybe you're still busy, hopefully, you're still happy, all I know is that I wanna be good friends with you again, to know how you're doing.

I dunno what I'm trying to say, I dunno what I'm trying to get across to you, I'm still just as confused by myself by the end of this letter. I'm still none the wiser to what I've been telling you. I just wanted to tell you what I've been thinking, how I've been, and how I feel. I'm sorry I ever hurt you, and I'm sorry I ever made you cry. For what it's worth, despite all the pain I went through, I would never take it back, and all the sadness is nothing compared to all the happiness you ever gave me. I wouldn't change it for anything else. I hope you feel the same way.

To be honest, I remember that when he wrote this I was thinking that he was wrong and that I still loved him and I still wanted to be with him and I remember distinctly that I would always want him no matter what... that my feelings for him would never change. I can't say that anymore though, because I love my Eric and I could never give him up. I guess though that it's just really sad thinking about it, because now that I looked back at our relationship... I know we never even had a chance. We would've never worked out. We're strong sometimes, but most of the time we're weak. We're weak for each other, that's why. I guess every once in awhile I still hope that we'll be together, but I don't think about that anymore. It's just a sad song. Something that I shouldn't think about, especially since I'm with Eric because that's so unfair to him. But much as I love Eric, Jeff is and always will be my first love.