VirusLIVED (7:12:49 PM): yeah you better be that girl im marry-ing!!!
acoustifieDRemix (7:13:21 PM): uh huh, and you better be the guy i'm marring tee hee heh
VirusLIVED (7:13:55 PM): i will be trust me, unless you change your mind some day
VirusLIVED (7:14:08 PM): all i know is im not giving you up
VirusLIVED (7:14:10 PM): ever
VirusLIVED (7:14:13 PM): ever
VirusLIVED (7:14:13 PM): ever
VirusLIVED (7:14:14 PM): !!!
acoustifieDRemix (7:14:33 PM): then there's no problems then
VirusLIVED (7:14:51 PM): lol
VirusLIVED (7:14:52 PM): okay
I'm smiling, but tears are coming out of my eyes. I remember a time when I was so happy reading that, I'm still happy, but a part of me just can't stop it from hurting either because I miss it so much. So much has changed and I can't take it anymore. I feel like things are going horribly wrong for me.
Okay, I'll admit it to you Prue and anyone else that reads this. I know about Zuri's diaryland. I've pretended to not know about it for a very long time because I think that if I pretended not to know about it, then she would be like honest or something, I don't really know what I was thinking... Well, I know Zuri goes through this stuff. To be quite honest, I knew when her life was hectic at the beginning of the year and I know why. I'll be honest, cause that's what I do, Prue, I'm honest. I was content that Zuri's life was screwy. I know that's really sad of me, but keep in mind that for one thing we're not really friends. Well... I guess I'll try to explain why I thought this. It's not cause I hate her. Gosh, I don't hate her at all! It's just that when Zuri found out Mike liked her, she was so offended and I was really pissed at that, because for one thing Mike is such a nice person! And I don't see anything wrong with it if he likes her. For another thing, it's just wrong to turn them down like that, I heard that Mike gave Zuri a Christmas gift and she got mad, but I heard it from someone else, so if I'm wrong, sorry. x_x Well, anyway, when Chris chose me over Zuri, it was like "payback" for turning down Mike in such a harsh way. I don't know if you get that or not... but I guess if that whole thing with Mike never happened, then I guess I'm thinking very meanly... but well, I think that everyone goes through shit throughout their lives, I know I've gone through it, and I'll keep at it. I will never ever bitch at Zuri. I will never complain about her. I will never hate her. I will never hold a grudge against her... as long as she does the same.
Well anyway, because Chris chose me over Zuri, I've always tried to keep everything between Chris and I a secret on here, but I can't take it anymore, in a way I'm just lying to the relationship. I mean think about it... it's like I'm hanging onto a relationship because I can't let go of Chris... It doesn't matter what he does anymore. I'm just really setting an example... I'm saying that if he did shit to me, I can't let go of him anyway. And if that's what the relationship is like (and I'm not saying it is) then you shouldn't be in a relationship. In a relationship, you gotta like how that person treats you 100% (again, I'm not saying this is the way with Chris)... a relationship shouldn't be hung on to because you can't let go of someone. That's just not right. Not the right person anyway. So I've thought about it, If things doesn't go well between Chris and I, I'm going to write it here anyway, because Zuri, if you're reading this, if you want to have him when I don't have him anymore, then by all means, go for it. 'Cause it means that we're not meant to be, and I don't want to be in a relationship that's not gonna work out and I'm sure Chris wouldn't want to either. It doesn't matter how much Chris hurts me, I'll always love him. I can't change that, but if by all means Zuri can make him happier, then by god, I'll set him free, I'm not saying it's not gonna hurt, but I'll do it. When you love someone, it's not about forcing them to love you back, it's about what makes them happy. I don't know what to say of the future... I know this year, I'm going to go through a lot of changes, but I can tell, this is going to be a good year overall. Everything I've said about Chris in the past entries... good or bad, I've meant it. I always will... especially entry #98. I've had a lot of good times with Chris, and every time I look back at it, I don't know whether to be happy or not.
I have a lot of things I want to share with you on Chris. This is the deepest stuff you'll hear from me, because I've hid everything and you'd be surprised how much you never knew. Everything I say from now on is probably stuff I haven't told anyone, maybe not even Nancy, I'm not sure what she knows exactly. Firstly, I want to say that one song, "My Acid", written around May, was of how I felt of Chris then, so maybe you want to go back and figure out what I meant, though I doubt you could figure it out.
I have so much emotional thoughts in my head about every single incident that was important to me. Including thoughts I've had ever since back in April 4th, which was the first movie I saw with Chris. "Panic Room". I've had such a strong image of Chris that night. Okay... let me back up for just one second about how this happened. Originally it wasn't Chris' idea to go to the movies, it was actually Gus'. He was talking to me, asking when to meet. At time, my mom was away at China so I could do like whatever I want. So anyway, we set up a date during spring break to meet. I brought Nancy along cause Chris was coming too. We went to the Long Beach town center. Believe it or not, it was my first time there. My family doesn't go out much and I can't drive...
To show you just how well I remember that day: Nancy and I were watching American Pie 2 before Chris and Gus came. I was also online. Chris left at 4:30, said he was coming and I didn't read the message until it was 5pm. They didn't arrive till 5:30pm. We first went to the Cerritos mall, and then we changed our minds and decided to go to Long Beach. Because of changing our minds, we went around in a circle. I remember talking about how to speak Chinese in the car too. I let Gus borrow 5 dollars (that I never go back, but I knew I wasn't getting it back when I let him borrow it). We bought a ticket for "Ice Age" because Panic Room was rated R. We started watching the movie at around 7. I was wearing my black Hurley shirt with my Anchor Blue jeans, which were new at the time and I had just dyed my hair light brown (though not noticeable, but better than the first time) the day before. Chris was wearing his Slipknot shirt, the black one... with the blue letters and the gray covering and there's a picture of them together in the front. Sorry to bore you with details, but I just wanted to show you how well I remember that day.
This is what happened during the movie... well, we did a lot of junk before the movie, but anyway... I'll just get to the movie part. First, Nancy and I choose a seat near the edge, and there was only 2 seats, so Chris and Gus went all the way up to the top in the back, next to each other, an empty seat on each side. So well, I guess Nancy and I didn't really know what to do, cause we should go up and join them, but I think we thought it was awkward too. So then we went to the bathroom first... "to powder our nose" ...except we don't powder our noses. Haha. So then when we came back into the theater, we kinda made a deal for that I would go first and choose a seat... so I walked to the top, where Gus and Chris was and then I stopped like in front of them, then I just kind of looked at them and Chris said "you sit next to me, Anna," (yes, those were his exact words) so then I did. For the first few minutes, I talked to him about the incident he had with this blind man in the bathroom (too lazy to explain) I kind of already heard the story, not the whole thing, but close enough. The only reason I really asked about it was cause I didn't want to have an awkward silence... Luckily, the movie started by the time he was explaining. I remember asking if he minded people that talk during movies, because I do that, and I remember mentioning how annoying Jason and Denysia finds it. And he said that he was okay with it. About 10 minutes into the movie, he asked if he could hold my hand. I was, well, surprised. Yeah, I was REALLY surprised. I don't know what kind of image you're getting, but the first thought I had was (though this sounds kinda corny, it's the only way to say it) that he was such a gentleman. He didn't just take my hand, he ASKED. I had no idea how sweet he could be... he reminded me of a shy little boy who didn't know what to do, and I found that so adorable and cute...
Then about 20 minutes later he started asking me if I was comfortable. I said I was, but he wouldn't let it go. He asked me about 3 times and I knew he was up to something, I just didn't know what. Then finally, he went for it. He said like "here" and he motioned me to lean closer to him, and I finally got what he meant. He wanted to hold me! Haha. Again, I think to myself the exact same thought I had before, but it's stronger. I can't get over it. I've never forgot that feeling and even now, though it's like 5 months later, I can still feel what I felt that day, though he doesn't get me to feel that way anymore (mostly because I get him to make me hold me anyway). I remember conversations a little... I remember about the hollow house. I don't know if Chris remembers though. I was talking about how narrow and hollow the house was in that movie and how you can't pay me to live like that...
Chris made me realize how much I jump during movies... I didn't tell him this or anyone else, but I'm really glad that I do jump. It gets me to feel like I'm special, like I do something that you don't and it comes naturally. It made me feel like I stood out. My very last comment in that movie was about the bench in the movie... and how long it was. I said something like "damn, that's a long bench." I didn't think it was that funny but Chris and Gus started laughing (I guess I said it pretty loud) and Nancy joined and I laughed a little too. I guess I just speak my mind without thinking sometimes... Well, after the movie was over... we kissed. I don't have much to say about it, except that he's a good kisser I guess. Well, after we came out of the theater, he was still holding me ask we walked. I can't tell you how I felt then, but I know I'll never forget that feeling. I can't tell you what it is, because it's indescribable, it really is. I guess you could say that a part of it was like, "Chris is mine." Well, you know how I've been feeling that whole day, so you can just about imagine what my thought was. I was thinking "WOW" (capital W O W, italicized and bolded). Chris was so sweet; he was so caring. He really liked me... he was such a gentleman (I hate that word, but that's what he was, honest to god), he just had this little boy kinda cuteness in him. And him holding me... it felt like I belonged somewhere, like someone cares for me THAT much, I guess really... that he needed me in his arms and that's one of the greatest feelings in the world. Yes, I realize holding someone is a little thing, but not to me. These little things you say and do, I take them in, the little stuff makes up who you are just as the big ones. And in a way, I think the little things matter more because it speaks out your true personality because you don't think about it cause it's so little... and I wish so much that I could always be in Chris's arms, because to me, I think that's what matters most. I don't care about the kissing that much, it's nice, but the holding is my main focus really.
Okay, I can't tell my whole Chris story in one day. So I'll just add one more thing before I tell more incidences next time. There's so much I want to tell you Prue...
I knew that Chris and I weren't together. Yes, we did kiss, but that doesn't mean we're together. I can't say that I didn't try cause I did. What did I try? I tried not to get attached, but that's just so hard after feeling what I felt for Chris. I didn't say anything about getting together. I just didn't want to bring it up I guess, don't want to sound needy, in a way... well, surprise! Chris got with Alyssa. You know who I heard it from? Gus. You know when? Like 4 or 5 days after. You think I was hurt? Well, you thought right. I never let the tears fall though, cause even though we kissed, I knew we weren't together, and we weren't committed, and I have absolutely no reason to feel hurt, because it was supposed to be a no strings attached kinda thing, but I can't just get rid of my feelings for Chris like that. Even back then, my feelings for Chris were so strong. Nothing can break it. No matter how much he hurts me, it wouldn't matter... luckily, they broke up the next Friday.
I have a lot more stuff to tell you... but I want to talk about stuff that happened today, so yea, I'll write about stuff between Chris and I that you don't know about in the next few days and entries.
*fRagiLe*