I just reread some of my January entries from last year and I realized that a lot of things have not changed. Last January I was so lost and I didn't know what to do at all, I guess that was mostly because that was around the time when Nancy and I first starting drifting.

I think I was able to only accomplish two things from this list... I'm not sure about the last one. Right now, Chris and I are friends I guess, but who knows what'll happen later?

This entry is still my biggest confession even today, and what I said that day, "I feel jealous, sad, and isolated because I feel left out. And the worst part is, no one notices that I feel this way," I still feel today and I feel like this every time I'm alone. And I'm so sick of the feeling. I understand a lot of people care about me, but why can't the people that I want to have care for me care about me? Why? It's like that quote "the good guys always lose." I want a person to care and they don't. I don't care if they care about me or not, and they care anyway.

I'm beginning to wonder if I do this to myself purposly because I'm always trying to search for someone that's not there, but why would I want to hurt myself like that so? That doesn't make sense, but what part of me actually does make sense anyway?

I also went through this entry and I can see how frustrated I was with Chris and now that I looked at what I said, I can still remember how I felt, but maybe I was blinded by what I felt also. There are pieces of the puzzle that really do not make sense. And I know that some of the pieces will never be found. But I guess that's just because that's the way things are supposed to be. When I look at that conversation, I see this repeated pattern that Chris and I have gone through the past years. I think that I've broken the pattern this time, but I may be wrong. But I know that it doesn't really matter because it seems that Chris will keep trying until it's perfect and since it's Chris, I know I will help along with it.

I realize now that the second paragraph made absolutely no sense and I was holding back what I really wanted to say because I knew that I had already upset him. What I really wanted to say was that he treats me differently since we broke up and Alyssa had nothing to do with it, because it started even when we were together.

Chris has been the only guy where I've had a serious and reminiscing coversation and I end up crying. Even now, he can still do it. I don't think he knows this because I've never told him. When he talked to me the other day, the day where he said he wanted to be friends with me, I mentioned Mike nad Enrique and how I used to be close with them and then they left me and then I lost another bunch of close friends... it just made me so sad and I started crying because I missed them so much. I miss the past so much. That has never happened with anyone else before. I could never seem to open up with other people like the way I do with Chris, especially online.

I wish Chris was online right now because I want to ask if he has kept any past conversations between us. I like looking at these conversations because it makes me see all the mistakes that we've made in the past and I want to remember what made us go the way we went, only to come back to each other again. Obviously, things between us are not over, otherwise he wouldn't have come back. I want to know where we went wrong, because otherwise, I know that we'll go through the same cycle again, and I absolutely abhor this cycle because it's filled with deceptions and pain.